Let him know you miss friendship

Hi, Carolyn: My wife and I have a 19-month-old daughter. Before she was born we chose our friend as her godfather and named him in our will as her guardian. He is a very good friend whom we have known for many years.

Before she was born he talked about how he would pick her up for outings to give us a break, how he would visit me on maternity leave to keep me from being depressed, how he was so excited and was going to be so involved.

Baby came and he didn’t do these things. He has never baby-sat, in fact. The first year of her life he visited at least once a month. Then it became less frequent. Then we didn’t see him for five months and only just saw him at Christmas. He lives five miles away.

We are very disappointed. We miss him as a friend and can’t understand what has changed, but more than that, we feel he should be more involved in our daughter’s life. How do we talk to him about this? – J.K.

By staying close to your point about missing him, and far, far away from “should.”

Even though you feel he “should” be more involved, that’s actually not for you to decide.

It’s also not realistic to expect someone to follow through on joyous pronouncements made before he even held the child. Some people cradle a baby and lose their hearts; some just lose their minds – a la, “Holy crap, take this thing back.”

So, repeat after me: “We miss you and don’t know why you visit so rarely.” Then listen to him.

I hope he’s strong enough to say, “I was talking out my (wrong end) and I’m freaked by babies” – or whatever truth it is he’s withholding.