Super Bowl play-by-play as seen by Norman Chad
When the Packers are atop the NFL, it seems like a safer world. America can sleep tight tonight. And since Sunday’s 31-25 victory might be the last NFL game for a long, long time, well, if the Packers are Super Bowl champions in perpetuity, what’s wrong with that?
As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
11:01 a.m. PST: Steelers stayed at a “secret hotel” Saturday night. Security cam shows Ike Taylor leads with his helmet even when using the ice machine.
11:35: If I had a choice between celebrity chef Guy Fieri and a microwave burrito, I’d be dining 90 seconds from now.
12:37 p.m.: Jerry Jones, Jimmy Johnson, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and Daryl Johnston sit down for a chitchat. To fit all five egos onto the set, the state of Texas had to annex Oklahoma.
12:43: Michael Strahan looks about as comfortable on that red carpet as Keith Olbermann does in a red state.
1:12: Strahan’s “interviews” are tearing up the red carpet so badly, next time they’ll switch to a Pergo floor.
1:47: Bill O’Reilly talks to Barack Obama; I’m just thankful the president wasn’t on the red carpet.
1:52: Harrison Ford with an earring? What’s next, the Dalai Lama with a Bluetooth?
2:02: Three hours into the pregame, there hasn’t been a single clever commercial. It’s like watching “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on a continuous loop.
3:24: This is my first Super Bowl in HD – love seeing the texture of Brett Keisel’s eye black.
3:45: My favorite line of the evening, from the Audi spot: “Hit ’em with the Kenny G.”
3:48: Ben Roethlisberger is wearing a steel plate in his right shoe; I think it was removed from his head.
3:57: Watching the game at Cowboys Stadium, Alex Rodriguez is fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz. I guess that relationship is good for at least another week.
3:58: Any time I see blitzing defenders trying to sack Roethlisberger, it reminds me of the Lilliputians trying to tie down Gulliver.
4:07: I’m feeling more ruffled than unruffled, because the Packers have scored 14 points in 24 seconds and I won’t crack open the Barolo until my Steelers are ahead.
4:15: Roethlisberger appears to hurt left knee – that Barolo might as well be on a ship to Sardinia.
4:15:30: On the next play, Roethlisberger scrambles for 18 yards with a bad left knee.
4:16: Fox’s Aikman says, “You’ve got to maintain gap integrity.” Every morning I wake up, that’s the first thought I have.
4:21: Actually, as it turns out, I’m not watching in HD – my wife simply had Windexed the Sony screen for the first time in three years.
4:36: To further distance myself from Chad Ochocinco, nee Chad Johnson, I am legally changing my name to Art Rooney III.
4:37: By the way, I think the Redskins’ Daniel Snyder is an awful team owner. So sue me.
4:45: Packers go ahead, 21-3. To punish myself, I eat Melba toast with club soda.
4:59: As second quarter ends, I offer to renew vows on the spot with Toni, aka She Is The One (And Then Some), but halftime is about 10 minutes too short to accommodate the reception she wants.
5:14: Incidentally, each 30-second ad runs up to $3 million – that’s a higher cost per half-minute than dating a Kardashian.
5:42: Rashard Mendenhall’s 8-yard touchdown run pulls the Steelers to within 21-17. I start thinking about the Barolo.
5:46: You can GoDaddy.com. I will GoToSleep.now.
5:59: Steelers’ Shaun Suisham misses a 52-yard field goal attempt, wide left by about 52 yards.
6:01: Eminem still scares the bejeebers out of me so, sorry, Chrysler, I’ll pass.
7:02: The plucky Steelers keep coming back, but the gritty Packers are too good.
7:06: Ah, the Barolo probably wasn’t ready to drink for another year or two.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I am burdened with $1,000,000.00 USD from the Financial Ministry to wager on your Super Bowl XLV but I lack a bank account. Contact me most expeditiously. Your humble servant, Hon. Minister Thomas Mnumba. (Mike Creveling; La Plata, Md.)
A. Forgive my presumptuousness, but I have transferred your funds toward the construction of a football stadium in Los Angeles.
Q. Why is it that your beloved Pabst Blue Ribbon chooses not to advertise during the Super Bowl? (Austin Blum; Sand Lake, N.Y.)
A. The big boys – like Budweiser – spend most of their money on marketing; they’re all bark and no brew. My pals at PBR don’t need no stinkin’ Clydesdales to grab attention; when you’re the best, you’re the best.
Q. Now that the NCAA’s national signing day has passed for football, how long will it be until Auburn begins the free agency period? (Todd Iverson; Chippewa Falls, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway by sending e-mail to email@example.com. If your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!