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Clark: And please remember to wash your hands after

Thu., Feb. 10, 2011

Everyone, sing along to that beloved classic, “Little Brown Jug:”

“Wiping is the thing to do,

“When you do the No. 2.

“Grab some paper; it’s a blast,

“Learning how to wipe your (BLEEEP!!)”

Thought I’d give you all a sneak peak at the musical campaign on toilet training that I’m creating for Washington’s Department of Health.

I call it …

“CleanseYerBunsingtons.”

It’s not as ridiculous as it might sound. Not if you’ve seen “WashYourHandsington,” that is.

WashYourHandsington is the health department’s flu-fighting public awareness effort. It includes posters, a radio jingle and a music-filled video showing us all how to wash our mitts and the importance of coughing containment.

If you haven’t seen it yet, you really should. (Check it out at www.doh.wa.gov/flunews/ handsington.htm.)

After all, YOU PAID FOR IT!

According to our front-page story, WashYourHandsington was funded out of $300,000 the feds gave to the state for flu prevention.

The bureaucrats could have done something more sensible with the money. You know, like changing all the money into $100 bills and then using them to light cigars.

Instead, the health department hired an ad agency to transform a DOH employee’s lyrics into an Internet video that features sudsy clapping hands and festive singers singing …

“We love soap so much, we scrub for fun.

“We are WashYourHandsington.”

(Clap-Clap!)

And I thought the “SayWA” tourism effort was the definition of stupid on a stick.

Even so, I found WashYourHandsington extremely educational.

What I learned is that the DOH considers average Washingtonians like you and me to be dumber than a sack of damp drier lint.

Which is why I decided to create “CleanseYerBunsingtons.” I intend to sell it to the DOH for a fat gob of the next federal windfall that blows in from the East.

Why not? If our health honchos think we need a sophomoric primer on hand washing, I’m willing to bet they also think we don’t know squat when it comes to working the Charmin, either.

They don’t call it the Nanny State for nothing.

Look. I believe in flu prevention. I get a flu shot every year. I wash my hands. Plus I know enough about how germs spread disease to only cough directly into the faces of elected officials.

If the DOH wanted a cheap way to get its prevention protocol to where it would do some real good, here’s how in three easy steps.

1. Type up your hand-washing message.

2. E-mail it to every elementary school principal in the state.

3. Ask the principals to join the DOH flu fight by spreading the word regularly in every classroom.

See? You saved paper. You saved a ton of dough. And best of all, you didn’t insult the taxpayers’ intelligence.

The DOH will pooh-pooh my suggestions, no doubt.

That’s why CleanseYerBunsingtons is only the beginning. I plan to follow it up with music videos on other health awareness issues, like the dangers of nose picking.

I think I’ll base that one on Neil Young’s (I’ve been a miner for a) “Heart of Gold.”

But getting back to CleanseYerBunsingtons…

“Pay attention; stay awake,

“Just remember haste makes waste!

“You will surely get the blues,

“If you dribble on your shoes.”

I think that’s enough education for today. Class dismissed.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.


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