You know secret friends not ‘OK’

Dear Carolyn: Is it OK for a husband or wife to have a secret friend of the opposite sex?

I have found proof within our computer’s history that contact has been going on for at least three years. They met at work. Whenever I try to broach the subject, I get screamed at and told that I have no idea what I am doing with a computer, therefore I am wrong.

They are probably just friends, but I don’t know what to do. I have become moody, paranoid, stressed … the irony is, my spouse keeps complaining about my mood.

I honestly feel that my spouse thinks if s/he told me about the friendship, then I would become a raving lunatic. This is killing me. – I need to hear the truth

How much more of the truth, exactly, do you feel you need to hear?

You know your spouse is hiding someone from you and lying about it; would rather scream at you and malign your competence than dignify you with the truth; isn’t trustworthy; is complaining about your role in the marriage while steering substantial attention outside of it.

You know you’re a wreck.

So you know that secret friends aren’t “OK,” and that, even if there isn’t one, the way you’re being treated isn’t “OK.”

You know all this and are asking me anyway, which has me asking, why?

If it’s validation you’re after, then I suppose it’s possible that’s all you want. People who know they’re being wronged but who don’t want to leave the comfort of home, even an unhappy one, occupy a sort of nether world. They know they’re not going to get what they want so, they’ll settle for being right.

If this is you, then please know the loneliness of this realm you choose to inhabit, and find the courage to kick your way out.