Dear Readers: Happy Valentine’s Day to one and all, along with our special good wishes to the veterans in VA hospitals around the country. And our particular thanks to those readers who have taken the time to send valentines, visit the vets and volunteer at VA facilities. Bless each and every one of you.
Dear Annie: I am in my mid-20s and am engaged to my wonderful fiancee, “Bella,” who is the same age. I love and trust her with all my heart.
Bella has been my only sexual partner. The problem is, before we met, she had been somewhat intimate with other men, including having oral sex. Even though she told me about it a year ago, it still bothers me. I feel jealous, as well as angry with the guys because I know that during some of these encounters Bella was drunk.
I know these things are in the past and can’t be changed. Talking about it sometimes helps, but Bella gets upset and tries to change the subject. I am working on it, and it’s a little better, but is it wrong for the thoughts to bother me? – Confused Fiance
Dear Confused: It’s not wrong to be bothered, but it is not a good idea to keep conjuring up these thoughts in your head. By their mid-20s, most girls (and guys) have had some degree of experience. You need to absolve Bella and forget about things she did before she met you. Don’t deliberately bring these thoughts to mind, and if they should surface anyway, immediately substitute the image of the “other guy” for images of you and Bella. If you still need to talk about it, see a professional. Bella is tired of feeling guilty for things she cannot change, and that should not be part of her life with you. If you cannot put this behind you, please rethink the marriage.