Watched the Oscars last night and was terribly disappointed that no awards were given to my favorite movie of the past year, “Carrie II – The Ballet.”
Then someone told me the actual title was “Black Swan.”
Really? I could have sworn …
OK, so I’m no cinephile. I like my Captain Spauldings, my Czerviks, my Delta Tau Chis. I’m not much on “La Nuit de Subtitles” or Death walking on the beach.
Still, it baffles me how the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Self-Congratulation could have overlooked honoring some of these fine films:
The Company Men: At last, all pretense is dropped when administrators at Oregon inform the state they’re changing the school’s name to the University of Nike, and dumping the Ducks mascot in favor of Cobblers.
Date Night: Ben Roethlisberger and Tiger Woods are on the prowl again.
The American: Christina Aguilera bungles the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the Super Bowl and foments nationwide outrage, mostly among people who wouldn’t know the First Amendment from a grocery flyer.
The Last Song: Washington State scoring machine Klay Thompson stresses out over misplacing his iPod and is late for the team bus, earning a benching for five minutes in an embarrassing Cougar loss at Arizona State. Coach Ken Bone suggests Thompson try humming.
Despicable Me: Dog-killer Michael Vick understands clearly that the quickest road to public redemption is the touchdown pass, and not being ambushed on “Oprah” by the owners of your once-abused animals.
The Last Airbender: Blake Griffin wins the NBA All-Star dunk contest by flying over a Kia Optima, even though no self-respecting NBA superstar would be caught dead riding in one.
Blue Valentine: Desperate to return to a major league managing job, Bobby Valentine discovers he can’t even land one in Triple-A after being rebuffed by the Seattle Mariners.
Valentine’s Day: Despite his rejection in Seattle, Valentine lands on his feet. He’s appointed director of public health and safety in Stamford, Conn. Sneers Stamford police union president Sgt. Joe Kennedy, “When do we get to meet Derek Jeter?”
The Social Network: Even as Gonzaga’s basketball team rallies from written-off to an incredible 11th West Coast Conference title, its digital devotees obsess over the lack of playing time for whoever they think is the 10th man.
True Grit: After sitting out the second half of the NFC championship game with a knee injury, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler proves his true mettle by listening to talk radio and reading NFL players’ Twitter messages.
The King’s Speech: ESPN sells what little soul it has left by surrendering an hour of air time, and hiring hand-picked toadies Jim Gray and Michael Wilbon, to indulge LeBron James as he stammers out, “In this fall – this is very tough – in this fall I’m going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat.”
Exit Through the Gift Shop: Boise State, Nevada, Fresno State and Hawaii all skedaddle from the Western Athletic Conference, prompting commissioner Karl Benson to issue membership invitations to Texas-San Antonio, Carrington College and B&B Driving School.
Inside Job: Eventual Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton discovers an ingenious loophole to circumvent NCAA shamateurism statutes – having his father solicit up to $180,000 from a recruiter, and thus maintaining his own plausible deniability.
Another Year: Though the math says each football victory of the last three seasons has cost Washington State $360,000 in head coach’s salary, athletic director Bill Moos decides to retain Paul Wulff, apparently figuring that – like the stock market – the program will correct itself in the long run.
Country Strong: After 23 years as coach of the Utah Jazz, Jerry Sloan says to hell with the Deron Williamses of the game and goes home to his tractor.
Sex and the City 2: Carrie Bradshaw gets a text message from Brett Favre accompanied by a picture of what he thinks with.
Red: Webcam stream of Eastern Washington’s new football turf being installed gets more hits than the football team draws spectators during its three home playoff games en route to the national championship.
Biutiful: The sound of a vuvuzela at the World Cup.
Dinner for Schmucks: Red Sox manager Terry Francona tries to broker détente between his new reliever, Bobby Jenks, and Jenks’ former manager, Ozzie Guillen, after they spend two days trashing each other in the press.
Black Swan: Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has paranoid visions of being sabotaged by understudy Charlie Whitehurst, triumphs in an epic playoff tour de force against New Orleans, only to see his Seahawks days end in a bloody heap. Or maybe he just imagined it.