January 13, 2011 in City

Clark: Give your shovel a rest and take quiz

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Snow. Cold. Rain. Slush. Cold …

Are you as weary as I am with this weather routine?

Find out by taking my Fed Up With Winter multiple-choice quiz.

Answer the following questions without looking at your neighbor’s paper. Then score your answers at the end of the test to see how bad off you are.

1. Pick the answer that bests describes what the cold, dry winter air is doing to your skin.

A. I’ve been scratching and picking at myself like a freaking zoo animal. (2 points.)

B. I’ve developed this severe addiction to moisturizing cream. (5 points.)

C. My left ear flaked off Tuesday morning during breakfast. (10 points.)

2. Winter does have a few positive qualities, such as …

A. At times, even East Sprague looks like the magical frosted landscape in a snow globe. (2 points.)

B. You can meet some really swell emergency room personnel after engaging in foolhardy stunts like sledding or snowboarding. (5 points.)

C. Winter keeps Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker off the golf course. (10 points.)

3. How much do you trust your local TV weathercasters?

A. Most of the time. (2 points.)

B. Some of the time. (5 points.)

C. If Tom Sherry told me to run naked through Costco I’d say, “what time” and “which location!” (10 points.)

4. People who keep up their Christmas lights too long should be …

A. Praised for trying to keep the season bright. (2 points.)

B. Gently encouraged to “please, give it a rest.” (5 points.)

C. Deported to Leavenworth. (10 points.)

5. Spokane’s multi-stage snowstorm warning system was designed to …

A. Create a more efficient method of plowing our streets. (2 points.)

B. Con the gullible into believing their city leaders actually know what they’re doing. (5 points.)

C. Provide a bloody windfall for the vehicle-towing industry. (10 points.)

6. Speaking of city leaders, Spokane Mayor Mary Verner …

A. Appears more empathetic this year to our winter concerns. (2 points.)

B. Has become the general in Spokane’s War on Snow. (5 points.)

C. Can come over and shovel my sidewalk anytime. (10 points.)

7. Select the best way to get through a winter like this.

A. Reading good books. (2 points.)

B. Following “Cupcake Wars” and other quality cable TV shows. (5 points.)

C. Last night I ate an entire box of Russell Stover chocolates. (10 points.)

8. I don’t worry about getting around during winter, because…

A. Riding the bus is cheap and smells like feet. (2 points.)

B. Our snowplow drivers do such a great job. (5 points.)

C. My car’s got studded tires that’ll dig through the snow and into the asphalt like the talons of a prehistoric beast. (10 points.)

9. Ah, spring. It seems like …

A. A faded memory. (2 points.)

B. A concept traveling in another dimension of sight and sound. (5 points.)

C. The name that follows “Irish” on a bar of soap. (10 points.)

All right, let’s add up our answers. If you scored between 18 and 30, you are cold-blooded. Move to Alaska and go live in an igloo.

Scores of 50 and up indicate that you are cranky and cynical, which is completely normal for this time of year.

Stay away from sharp objects and boxes of chocolates.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.


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