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The Slice: Something smells a little fishy here

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with the Spokane Guy Who Never Goes to Seattle.

You won’t believe what he has to say.

Q: So what have you got against Seattle?

A: Nothing. I hear it’s a swell city, as big cities go.

Q: So why don’t you ever go over there?

A: You know, I find that I can get everything I need a lot closer to home. And I have to tell you, the prospect of that drive does not thrill me.

Q: You consider that a long drive?

A: Yes. I’m not from Montana. I prefer that my butt not be made permanently numb.

Q: But what about all the culture you’re missing?

A: Culture, that’s a laugh. The No. 1 reason people around here go over there is to watch baseball games. If I want to see people spit and grab their crotches, I don’t have to drive 280 miles.

Q: Do you think you’re being fair to Seattle?

A: No, of course not. But why don’t you ask someone over there to talk to you about Spokane. Then get back to me about being fair.

Q: So you have never ever been to Seattle?

A: Actually, my parents took me to the World’s Fair in 1962. All I remember is that I didn’t see Elvis. And the air smelled like fish.

Q: Well, when you hear people talking about their great weekend in Seattle, what goes through your mind?

A: Often I am reminded that people really enjoy talking about themselves.

Q: So do you ever go anywhere?

A: Rarely. To me, travel is one long parade of lost luggage, stolen wallets, canceled flights and arguing about rental-car charges.

Q: But what about Seattle’s museums?

A: I think it’s all on DVDs or pay-per-view.

Q: Restaurants? Concerts?

A: We have food and music here.

Q: Look. Doesn’t never going to Seattle suggest that you are, well, a bit provincial?

A: No, it suggests that I like my life just fine and do not care what someone like you thinks of me.

Q: Thanks for your time.

A: Sure. If you have any more questions, you know where to find me.

Today’s Slice question: Did “Toy Story 3” change the way people view old playthings?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail pault@spokesman.com. People will stop talking about potholes when potholes stop being remarkable.


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