Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with the Spokane Guy Who Never Goes to Seattle.
You won’t believe what he has to say.
Q: So what have you got against Seattle?
A: Nothing. I hear it’s a swell city, as big cities go.
Q: So why don’t you ever go over there?
A: You know, I find that I can get everything I need a lot closer to home. And I have to tell you, the prospect of that drive does not thrill me.
Q: You consider that a long drive?
A: Yes. I’m not from Montana. I prefer that my butt not be made permanently numb.
Q: But what about all the culture you’re missing?
A: Culture, that’s a laugh. The No. 1 reason people around here go over there is to watch baseball games. If I want to see people spit and grab their crotches, I don’t have to drive 280 miles.
Q: Do you think you’re being fair to Seattle?
A: No, of course not. But why don’t you ask someone over there to talk to you about Spokane. Then get back to me about being fair.
Q: So you have never ever been to Seattle?
A: Actually, my parents took me to the World’s Fair in 1962. All I remember is that I didn’t see Elvis. And the air smelled like fish.
Q: Well, when you hear people talking about their great weekend in Seattle, what goes through your mind?
A: Often I am reminded that people really enjoy talking about themselves.
Q: So do you ever go anywhere?
A: Rarely. To me, travel is one long parade of lost luggage, stolen wallets, canceled flights and arguing about rental-car charges.
Q: But what about Seattle’s museums?
A: I think it’s all on DVDs or pay-per-view.
Q: Restaurants? Concerts?
A: We have food and music here.
Q: Look. Doesn’t never going to Seattle suggest that you are, well, a bit provincial?
A: No, it suggests that I like my life just fine and do not care what someone like you thinks of me.
Q: Thanks for your time.
A: Sure. If you have any more questions, you know where to find me.
Today’s Slice question: Did “Toy Story 3” change the way people view old playthings?