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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Forgive mistakes, seek counseling

Kathy Mitchell/Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie:

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am 50 years old and have been estranged from my family since I was 31. I do not miss them and have no desire for contact.

I’ve had only a few long-term relationships in my life. I am currently cohabiting with a 52-year-old man who had never been in a relationship before me. For the first two years, he was wonderful, but when I pressed for marriage, he backed away. He knew I was interested in a private ceremony because of my family estrangement. But when he finally proposed, he objected to the small ceremony and put off the wedding.

I know he really does not want to marry me, although I suspect he would have gone through with it to please me if I had been more flexible. But I did not want to give in and threatened to leave. We did not speak for a week, and then he called his mother and told her everything, including my wish for a private ceremony. He also told her many things I had said when we were arguing, including that I wish I had never met him.

I asked him to come with me for counseling, but he refused, saying he doesn’t want anyone knowing his business. Yet he thinks it’s OK to share “his business” with his highly biased mother. Because of all the things he told her, I cannot be in the same room with her.

We sleep in separate bedrooms and have no physical contact. I know it’s over. Do you think I am wrong to feel violated because he confided in his mother? – Canada

Dear Canada:

Your boyfriend has made some mistakes, but nothing that cannot be forgiven. A middle-aged man who has never had a prior relationship is probably close to Mom and would naturally turn to her for advice and solace. Your rigid reaction prevented you from understanding his point of view. But your suggestion to get counseling is excellent, and we hope you will do so even if he refuses.