January 27, 2011 in City

Clark: The Column backs sugar, phosphates

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Thank you. Please park your posteriors.

Once again, it is my great honor to be able to deliver the annual State of The Column address.

Just like last year, however, the president has inconsiderately seen fit to upstage me with his own load of flip-flops, half-truths and political pandering.

Did you hear him Tuesday night?

I was actually quite surprised that President Obama made a reference to this generation’s “Sputnik moment.”

Sputnik?

I’m betting no one under 50 remembers Sputnik from Spuds McKenzie.

But don’t worry. Despite all the cuts here at the newspaper, The Column continues to be a relentless resource of truth.

So for the record: Sputniks were these really cool blue/green gumballs that were covered with a frosty coating of pure sugar crystals.

I had countless “Sputnik moments” during my formative years, which explains why Dr. Erickson, our family dentist, was always so thrilled to see me.

Filling the craters in my teeth probably bought his cars.

Sadly, kids today don’t know about the sweet wonders of a Sputnik moment.

This is because nutrition-obsessed adults have brainwashed the youth of America into thinking that sugar is a Communist plot.

As a result we now have a nation of neurotic 12-year-olds who have nightmares about body fat, diabetes and their cholesterol levels.

Which is why promoting sugar appreciation continues to be one of The Column’s chief concerns.

Others include finding retail outlets that will still sell phosphate-loaded Cascade dishwasher soap and locating the cheapest prices on premium gas.

Speaking of my 1967 Oldsmobile Vista Guzzler, The Column is looking to book another community event that would like to include this vintage, cherry red ride.

Last year, as you may recall, The Column took the Vista Guzzler on a June road trip to Republic for the tiny town’s annual Prospectors’ Days parade.

I had more fun than a weevil in a wheat bin.

So any interested community boosters should contact The Column via the information below.

Yes, The Column is all about adventure. In fact, I’m still feeling the love from my recent odyssey to Frisco, Texas, as a proud member of the mighty Eastern Washington University band.

In fact, I can’t go anywhere these days without some smart aleck commenting on the photograph we published of me wearing a sparkly Eagles band uniform.

The manager of a South Hill Rite Aid store, for example, said he was disappointed that I wasn’t shopping in my sequins.

I tried to tell him that I had to turn the outfit back in to the band department but I don’t know if he heard me.

Of course, this incident is nothing compared to my encounter the other day with this lawyer I know.

The guy sidled over to me and whispered into my ear. My band-uniformed image, he said, had given him dreams of an erotic nature.

There are some sick and twisted readers out there.

The Column wouldn’t have it any other way.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.

Four comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  MrNatural on January 27 at 10:17 a.m.

  With Doug one riles to read his station
  Antipathies his dedication
  I think this needs commemoration.

  Immortalize his likeness by statue

  A pigeon perch but not too crass
  Would take a fairly bit of brass
  Affixed to RiverPark’s green grass

  For generations to enjoy and view

  On the plaque tributes rebellion
  To this SpokaKnighted hellion
  Words for passersby to dwell yon

  And directions to the nearest Loo

  Affectionately yours
  Mr. Natural :)

• 

  Albert on January 27 at 2:05 p.m.

  Sir Doug! Do you remember the 50 cent sized flat “pasty taste” pop in’s that dissolved to a number of smaller sugar balls? Dentists love those as well. Oh yeppers they were splendid at the .25 cent Saturday movies. Stand in line with your Davy Crockett hat dissolving these sugar delights awaiting the ticket counter.

  I hope to meet you in Coeur d’Alene when I’m buying up a number of dish washing detergent boxes for this year. :) Great memories indeed.

• 

  Spokritic on January 27 at 2:50 p.m.

  Hey Dougie Fresh and Prince Albert - check your soap labels closely.
  Rumor has it the Idaho stuff is the same as we get here since we’re on the same shipping line and distribution schedule. Just different labels. So all you mopes are wasting your time and money heading over to KKK land for the placebo effect.

  p.s. - Doug, your phosphate joke has run its course man. Two years is too much. Give it a rest

• 

  masomenos on January 27 at 6:33 p.m.

  the punchline lies in the fact that all cascade is now p-free.
  nationwide, sucka!! hope u’ve got a stash in the y2k shelter with all of the ammo, cuz big bizz can smell the roses. phosphorus prices happen to be on the way up, but we can hope they mean the best, no?