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Mr. Dad: Don’t force daughter into church

Dear Mr. Dad: It’s been a longstanding tradition in our extended family to attend church on Sunday and then go out to brunch. However, now my 14-year-old daughter says she no longer likes church because she finds that services are boring.

My husband says we should force her to go, but I don’t think that would work. What’s your take?

A: If Sunday services have been a family tradition for years, I can certainly understand your disappointment at your daughter’s refusal to go with you. As you can imagine, there are quite a few factors that might have led to this sudden change of heart. Chances are, though, that few if any of them have anything at all to do with religion.

Even under the best of circumstances, it would be truly earth-shattering if you and your daughter agreed on everything, and you approved of every choice she made. Part of becoming an adult means getting out there and forging her own identity. That means questioning (and often rejecting) the values, beliefs, traditions, and just about anything else that you hold dear.

This is a normal part of the process for your daughter of maturing, becoming independent, and learning to make her own choices and decisions. It may not be any fun, for either of you, for a while.

So what should you do? Well, you begin by not doing what your husband suggests. Forcing your daughter to go to church when she really doesn’t want to will backfire.

Instead of getting her more engaged, you’ll be driving her away and she’ll dislike services even more than she already does.

You and your husband need to talk to her about how important the services and religion in general have been to you personally. Have there been times when your faith has given you strength and hope in difficult circumstances?

Or when members of your community have provided help and support when you needed them most? If so, share this with your daughter.

If she can see the benefits and meaning that your faith and your community have given you, she might be more willing to reconsider her decision.

Her complaints that services are boring? She may be right. What’s the average age of people who attend services? If it’s mostly older folks or young families with small children, the sermons and community activities that may be perfect for those groups would be completely irrelevant to a teenager.

As a compromise, could you find a nearby church that offers a youth ministry and outreach programs geared to teens? She’ll be able to relate much better to that type of worship environment.

At the very least, your daughter will see that you’re flexible, reasonable, and take her opinions seriously. Qualities even the most rebellious teenager will appreciate.

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