The Slice: If your horoscope fails to come true, blame it on the marmotese translation

Welcome to the first Slice Horoscope of 2011

This is the only zodiac column written by someone who speaks fluent marmotese.

I guarantee this horoscope to be as accurate as any other.

Aries: Your missing workplace ID badge is in the front pocket of that blue Charlie Sheen shirt.

Taurus: Your fears about crumbling infrastructure are well-founded, but no one is listening to you.

Gemini: Addressing your furniture needs by driving around looking for curbside stuff with “FREE” signs isn’t a real plan.

Cancer: This might be a good time to tell your daughter that boys at the pool can’t be trusted after they’ve gotten a whiff of a girl’s sun-baked hair.

Leo: Stop recommending movies to your in-laws.

Virgo: Proceed with an extra degree of caution.

Libra: You’re right, baseball is the one sport where the all-star game can be entertaining.

Scorpio: Blaming a flat tire on a political party just makes you sound silly.

Sagittarius: Tonight you will make the most mind-blowing salad ever.

Capricorn: Today is a good day to ask for a raise.

Aquarius: Someone has to decide which cats are or are not a “good kitty,” so it might as well be you.

Pisces: Your idea to develop honeymoon cottages next to the Spokane falls has a few problems.

Spartacus: Today is not a good day to ask for a raise.

Leviticus: When you are angry all the time, you invite people to assume that you are insecure.

Nougat: Might be a bit early to be talking about college football that much.

Succotash: For many people, one shower a day just isn’t enough.

Lumbago: If you use “maroon” in the Bugs Bunny sense, there is a small chance that a pop culture illiterate will accuse you of being guilty of a racial slur.

Woohoo: But does your phone love you back?

Lebowski: Speak your mind today, and you will be widely quoted.

Spokanthrax: Realizing that a lot of strangers are decent people will be your breakthrough insight.

Today’s Slice questions: About what subjects is there the biggest gender divide when it comes to size and scope of vocabulary?