Gentleman ‘on call’ feels better staying unscheduled

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have taken a job in which I must spend one out of three weeks “on call” 24 hours a day. I work with computers in a context that has life-or- death consequences, so when I am paged, I must drop everything and work immediately, usually for an hour or more at a time.

This happens only once or twice in an average one- week shift, but it is so disruptive that I have stopped accepting engagements of any kind during these weeks. I will still invite friends to my home for a meal or games, but only with their understanding that I may be paged, somewhat like how I might let a good friend visit when I am sick.

Some friends have said I am going too far, isolating myself socially for fear of a page which, after all, most likely will not come. They urge me to come to restaurants or movies or even game nights, saying they will understand if I have to rush away. I think this would be intolerably rude, even if my friends say it is fine. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Is there anyone, other than Miss Manners, who does not consider himself or herself to be on call all the time?

The excuse of expecting an emergency summons from work or family is now so widespread that she wonders how the entire population manages to live in this state of permanent anxiety.

In the meantime, much of business and personal life has been damaged, as those supposedly engaged in one are on alert to drop everything on command from the other. So Miss Manners congratulates you on refusing to contribute to this. It strikes her that you have made a sensible accommodation to the situation. Your friends may claim not to mind if you suddenly exit from restaurants (what do they do with the food you ordered and the bill?), movie theaters (where you would disrupt others in your row) or game nights (where conclusions might be drawn between your losing and your leaving), but this tolerance may not last.

If they but knew it, it is more of an act of friendship to be able to give them your full attention when you can.