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Can’t write? We’ll do the work for you!

Sun., July 31, 2011

A buttload of mail-in ballots have gone out in preparation for the upcoming Aug. 16 primary.

And you know what this enormous waste of paper and postage means.

That’s right. Time is running out for you to send us one of those canned candidate-endorsement letters that flood into the newspaper every election season like weevils into a wheat bin.

We here at The Spokesman-Review just can’t get enough of them.

Surprisingly, however, many of you still don’t know the proper lockstep endorsement letter format.

To remedy this, the Editorial Board has asked me to devise a template so simple that “even a ‘Lampert for Mayor’ supporter could follow it.”

Just circle or underline with crayon the italicized descriptions below that best describe the hack your political party is currently ordering you to march off a cliff for.

Detach your finished letter at the dotted line and sign whatever name you’re going by these days at the bottom.

Then mail it to “Lemmings to the Editor,” in care of this newspaper.

Be sure to tell all your friends to look for your letter, which will soon be published along with all the other narrow-minded partisan diatribes.

Now let’s get writing!

Editor,

As a ( deeply concerned; heavily medicated; unregistered) voter, I urge you to support candidate ( fill in the blank), who is running for the office of ( fill in the blank).

Candidate ( fill in the blank) is a True Patriot with qualifications that are second to none.

Candidate ( fill in the blank) has spent countless hours ( working with charity; schmoozing with rich crime lords; studying the law while in prison).

It’s a disgrace to our system that candidate ( fill in the blank) has been having to campaign under a cloud of scurrilous allegations that have been raised by candidate ( fill in the blank’s) cowardly opponent.

Through hurtful rumors, candidate ( fill in the blank) has been accused of ( stealing the cowardly opponent’s campaign signs; selling phony college degrees to state troopers; snooping around Alex Trebek’s hotel room).

It’s time the truth was told.

And that is that these mean-spirited claims ( are completely groundless; have yet to be proved in court; Alex, I’ll take “What’s in Your Underwear Drawer” for $500).

Crass character assassinations notwithstanding, I am proud to say that candidate ( fill in the blank) is a true public servant with ( great vision; treatable dementia; harmless cross-dressing tendencies).

Rest assured, candidate ( fill in the blank) stands for what is best for Spokane.

This is a person we citizens can count on to ( fix our potholes; fix our stray dogs and cats; fix our parking tickets for the right price).

If elected, candidate ( fill in the blank) will work hard to ( balance the budget; stop the north-south freeway; legalize marijuana and open prostitution).

The time has come to end the smear tactics. Let candidate ( fill in the blank) lead Spokane to ( a better tomorrow; a passable next week; back to the 20th century).

If you care at all about this community you will cast your ballot for candidate ( fill in the blank). If you don’t, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll catch one of those awful flesh-eating bacteria and die a horrible, protracted, rotting death.

God bless America!

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.

 

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