Annie’s Mailbox: In therapy, work on responses

Dear Annie: I’m a 66-year-old mother of two, grandmother of four. I have been verbally abused my entire life – first by my father and now by my daughter.

I love my daughter, but I’m ready to dismiss her from my life in order to preserve what sanity I have left. I am afraid to be in the same room with her because I never know what will set her off. The problem, of course, is her children. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my grandchildren and want it to continue.

I am seeing a therapist who is helpful, but 45 minutes a week is not enough. My husband is supportive, but refuses to stand up to our daughter on my behalf. Naturally, she has never said an unkind word to him.

I am extremely depressed and at my wits’ end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – Texas Mother

Dear Texas: Since you want to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren, please talk to your therapist about working on your response to your daughter’s verbal attacks. If you can learn to distance yourself emotionally (and physically) from what comes out of her mouth, it will hurt less and you won’t be as agitated. Her abuse is not your fault. Standing up for yourself doesn’t have to mean getting into an argument. It sometimes means removing yourself from the drama so you can no longer be a target. Practice saying, calmly, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’ll come back when you’re better.” If she rants in frustration, so be it.