Front Porch: Interest not universally remote

When my husband called to tell me he’d just ordered a Roku box I thought he was bringing home Japanese takeout for dinner.

Wrong.

Instead, a few days later he brought home a little black box that streams movies, television shows and music directly to our home via the Internet. Suddenly, we have Netflix, Pandora and Hulu Plus. In other words, no one complains that there’s nothing on TV anymore.

No one, except me. I complain about television whether there’s anything on it or not.

I don’t like it. As a child, we didn’t even own a TV until I was in the second grade. In the ’70’s admitting you lived in a household without television was akin to confessing to having an outhouse in the backyard. So, every week I pretended I’d watched “The Partridge Family.” “Danny’s so cute!” I squealed.

“Don’t you mean, Keith?” my friend Karen said.

“Yes, of course, Keith,” I mumbled.

When we finally got a set I was only allowed to watch “Gilligan’s Island,” “Gunsmoke” and “The Electric Company.” This didn’t parlay into coolness.

I just never got the hang of watching the flickering box. I much preferred to read or hang out with my friends.

When Derek and I married, his parents loaned us a 13-inch black-and-white TV. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the first thing Derek would do upon arriving home was turn on the television. “Why do you do that?” I finally said. “Do what?” he asked.

“Turn on the TV when you walk in the house.”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “It just seems weird to not have it on.”

Opposites do indeed attract.

Over the years, we compromised. He could flick through our four channels while I read nearby. We never had cable. And as our family grew to include four sons, I discovered I could have a few moments of peace by popping a “Sesame Street” video in the VCR.

Make no mistake – I’m not a television snob. I don’t frown on TV as lowbrow entertainment. In fact, I love “Survivor” and “The Amazing Race.” But I still don’t like to have the set on for more than an hour or two.

And then Derek bought the Roku. In the two weeks since he installed it, our 16-year-old has watched all 10 “Friday the 13th” movies. Ten!

Sam, 11, has caught up on SpongeBob and discovered “Dr. Who.”

And Derek? Derek recently watched “The Galaxy Invader” – a movie in which an alien is hunted by a gang of drunken hillbillies who saw him crash-land his spaceship. Derek has also discovered a cross-country ski channel. Watching Nordic ski races is a lot like watching marathons – only snowier.

But wait, there’s more. With all the new channels and choices, Derek grew frustrated with the handful of remote controls needed to operate our television. So, last week he came home with a universal remote. Not just any universal remote – a Logitech Harmony 700.

“See! Now, instead of having four remotes to lose, I’ll only lose one!” he said, beaming.

Sam woke me up early the next morning to announce, “Our new remote has FIFTY-FOUR buttons!”

It’s a good thing I don’t like to watch television, because with 54 buttons to press, the odds that I will actually discover the On button are – remote.

In fact, life with the Roku box has not been harmonious. The device can be accessed by both of our televisions, as well as our computers. Theoretically, the kids and Derek can happily watch their shows while I listen to my favorite tunes via Pandora. One problem: we don’t have enough bandwidth to handle all the data now streaming into our home.

So, if Sam tries to download “SpongeBob” while Zack watches “The Office: Season One” and I listen to Bonnie Raitt, everything gums up and we all get little red bars on our screens that say “loading.” Downloads may be slow, but tempers have been quick.

Derek says he’s going to increase our bandwidth, but in the meantime I bought a little something to tide us over. I found a new Uno game – Uno Flash. Last night after dinner we played it for hours while munching on popcorn and cookies.

You really don’t need 54 buttons on a universal remote or unlimited television channels to have family fun – you just need the family.