No cushy shoulder for this friend

Dear Carolyn: My friend had been unhappily married for several years, met a man in a bar, and began having an affair with him. She was not very discreet about it. Her husband found out and left her.

They are now going through a difficult divorce. They have a young son who is having a terrible time dealing with it, and she is falling apart.

She is heavily leaning on me for help and I (a) don’t know how to help her and (b) have some anger toward her for putting herself in this situation.

She sees me as one of her only friends and is constantly asking me to come over. What can I do to both help her and distance myself from this? – In over my head

Even if you didn’t have other responsibilities, providing her with a steady supply of friendly consolation would be exactly the wrong kind of help for her right now.

Someone who is (1) falling apart and (2) continuing to behave in a self-destructive way is choosing to dodge the hard work of getting well. It’s not unusual, and it’s agony for others to watch, but no one can take healthy steps for her. Often the situation has to deteriorate to the point where things are so awful that the perceived awfulness of facing her problems suddenly isn’t the worst thing the person can imagine. The proverbial “hitting bottom.”

In hard-luck situations, a friendly shoulder is what friendship is about, but the fallout from hard living demands a different approach.

As apparently one of her only friends, you’re the one in a position to take that different approach: Tell her clearly that you’re just a plain old friend, and what she needs is someone with the credentials to help her get well. You had it right, you’re “in over your head” – and that needs to be the line from which you don’t budge until she turns things around.