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Clark: Not sure whether agents joined Hells Angels’ singalong

Sun., March 6, 2011

Government agents raided the Hells Angels clubhouse in Spokane this week, making an arrest, discovering some weed and confiscating a half-dozen firearms, all loaded.

No wonder we carried our story about it inside the newspaper.

There’s nothing exciting or new about weapons and desperadoes being found inside a biker hangout.

That’s like finding crack, glistening oiled harlots and a naked Twister game going on inside Charlie Sheen’s hotel room.

Predictable, sadly.

What would have shocked me is if “G” raided a biker lair and then held a press conference to announce that the following items had been seized:

A box of Calgon Take Me Away lavender/vanilla moisturizing bath beads, tickets to Celtic Thunder and a Jillian Michaels “30-Day Shred” DVD.

Finding out that there was a softer, gentler side to a dangerous outlaw motorcycle gang would be a story for the ages.

Or how about if the club’s official meeting minutes were discovered to paint an entirely different picture about life inside the clubhouse walls.

Join me now as I reveal a few truly startling excerpts.

January 27 – “Meeting called to order after flag salute. Member Flywheel fined $2 for installing orange plastic streamers on the handlebars of his 1936 Harley Knucklehead.”

February 3 – “Motion made after recitation of Lord’s Prayer to adopt new chapter theme song. Member Butch says he’s really fond of a tune he sang when he used to ride with the ‘Up With People’ gang.”

February 10 – “Member Butch unveils the lyrics that he wrote for proposed new clubhouse theme song:

“ ‘Up, up with bikers, we’re happy wherever we go. Up, up with bikers, we’re the best outlaws you’ll know …’

“New song passes by unanimous vote following spirited group sing.”

February 17 – “Chapter votes to merge with Spokane’s downtown Rotary Club. Member Hacksaw fined $2 for showing up at clubhouse wearing Dockers.

“Hacksaw blames ‘ol’ lady,’ for washing his crusty Levis on hot and ‘they shrunk.’ ”

February 24 – “Clubhouse Movie Night features ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ After film, member Deadlocks makes a passionate plea for our chapter to go green. All members are asked to recycle their empty beer cans and brass knuckles and to turn the lights off in the crapper when not being used.

“Member Spike later loses tooth after calling Deadlocks an ‘Al Gore tree hugger.’ ”

March 3 – “Meeting interrupted by loud pounding on clubhouse door followed by angry voices yelling: ‘Open up, you lousy punks! We’ve got a search warrant!’

“Motion quickly made and passed to open the front door peacefully and welcome federal agents with second stanza of our new ‘Up With Bikers’ theme song:

“ ‘If more bikers were for bikers and bikers everywhere, there’d be a lot less bikers to worry about and a lot more bikers who care!’

“Next meeting rescheduled, pending charges and bail.”

Doug Clark is now in hiding but can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

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