Dear Annie: My beloved sister, “Dawn,” died last year following a long battle with cancer. Her husband of 43 years was a caring and capable caregiver. At the memorial service held in their church, “John” spoke tearfully of their love.
Ten years ago, their marriage was rocked by John’s affair with an old classmate. They went through counseling and worked things out, but there were times when Dawn suspected he was unfaithful. She stayed with him, however, and before she died made me promise to remain on good terms with John and continue to include him in family gatherings.
However, just four months after her death, John began seeing “Mary.” She is now his constant companion, staying in his home and even going with him on vacations that Dawn would have loved. He has brought her to church and introduced her to friends. This has broken our once-close family.
I have tried to keep an open mind, even meeting Mary, but my siblings have concluded that John’s relationship with her is a slap in the face to our sister and has made a mockery of their marriage. My siblings will have nothing to do with either of them.
How do I remain faithful to the promise I made to my sister when I am heartsick with what John is doing? I realize his love life is no longer my business, but how do I get past the feelings of disgust and anger that the two of them sleep together in the bed my sister died in only four months ago? – Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Some widowers are so lonely that they often find companionship much sooner than the rest of the family thinks is decent. Please try not to judge John for this. The promise you made to Dawn does not mean you must be chummy with John and Mary. It means you should continue to invite John to occasional family events (not all of them) and stay in touch. Anything more is entirely up to you.