The Slice: Coming soon: ‘The Doug Diaries’

I’m sick of hearing about “The Turner Diaries.”

Why couldn’t that racist novel written by some paranoid pinhead have been called “The Wilson Diaries” or “The Davis Diaries”?

Oh, well. I suppose I could try to co-opt that unfortunate title with an altogether unrelated updating.

Hmmm. Here then, is the first page of “The New Turner Diaries.”

March 18: Answer phone. Angry reader yelling about how there is nothing funny about bigotry, race war, et cetera. Try to agree. Get hung up on.

March 19: Frowning woman approaches me in a grocery store. Wants to know why I didn’t print something she submitted in 1992.

March 20: Go for a bike ride. Well-intentioned Spokane motorists inappropriately yielding the right of way complicate things over and over.

March 21: Arrive at work and the first phone message is from someone who wants me to call her back even though she didn’t leave her name or a number.

March 22: Delete unopened e-mail with subject line: “Check out this rash.”

March 23: Preliminary discussions about purchasing The Ridpath as a home for the Marmot Lodge.

March 24: Accept connection to six strangers via an online business network.

March 25: Spot a typo in today’s Slice. Say bad word.

March 26: Neighbor’s full-figured cat stops by my home and contends she has not had a bite to eat in days.

March 27: Trying not to think about lint build-up in that tube leading to the dryer vent.

March 28: Sit up in bed at 3:13 a.m.: In the column that will be on doorsteps in a couple of hours, did I refer to Keri Yirak as Yeri Kirak?

March 29: Batch of welcome-to-spring kindergarten art arrives. I love my job.

March 30: Reader calls me “Doug.”

March 31: Overhear mainstream media conspiracy about where to go for lunch.

April 1: Begin work on groundbreaking novel about grace, social harmony and pie.

Today’s Slice question: Would your willingness to pull over and help a fellow motorist be influenced by your reaction to the bumper stickers on that person’s vehicle?