Couch Slouch: Twenty-three facts about sports TV

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

 1. I just passed the 50,000-hour mark lifetime for watching TV. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 2,000 hours.

2. ESPN has hired a “director of production analytics.” It’s a stats job; I was not considered for the position.

3. Per Hubie Brown’s advice, when I go to my grave, I hope I remember I can’t take my timeouts with me.

4. Considering it ended up hiring Eliot Spitzer and Piers Morgan, I think CNN might want to retool its annual scouting combine.

5. I don’t care how many times Subway advertises when I’m tuning in to a game – they could be $5 yard longs and I’m still not eating them.

6. The biggest difference between a booming baritone at an opera and Kevin Harlan at a game is that the singer only hits the high notes when he’s supposed to.

7. Heck, I always thought Jon Cryer would be the one to flip out.

8. I have a friend who only reads book reviews rather than books; similarly, I only watch “SportsCenter” commercials.

9. I took in the final season of the fabulous “Friday Night Lights” on DirecTV; it begins airing in April on NBC. Spoiler alert: Everyone dies.

10. If things don’t work out for Keith Olbermann over at Current TV, my condo complex could use a savvy cable newscaster.

11. Yes, I am hooked on TLC’s “Extreme Couponing.”

12. Every time I get back from my weekly Divorcees Anonymous meeting, I could swear ESPN’s poker commentator is on TV talking about his divorces.

(Column Intermission: Congratulations to Toni, aka She Is The One And Then Some, who just broke the longest-marriage-to-Couch- Slouch-before-separation record. Through a steely combination of tolerance and medication, Toni has surpassed Ex-Wife No. 1’s longstanding mark, once thought unapproachable. The current wedlock – initially written off by the naysayers – hesitatingly began in July 2007, and here’s hoping the little lady puts up a number that will be hard to beat. Recently reached by a horde of reporters, Toni smiled ruefully but declined comment.)

13. Standing in solidarity with the full-throated TV talking-head baying wolves that could not fathom Colorado and Virginia Tech denied their rightful entry into March Madness, I refused to watch a single second of the opening weekend of the NCAA tournament.

14. Jimmy Kimmel sort of reminds me of Vinny Del Negro, except he never gets fired.

15. As I watched college basketball on a Virgin America flight the other week, it struck me that I could barely hear Dick Vitale over the sound of the jet engines.

16. They say baseball’s too slow for TV, but they’ve never seen Charlie Rose on PBS.

17. Grazing upon “Pigman, The Series,” on Sportsman Channel, I recalled the late George Carlin’s sage words: “You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer.”

18. Does ESPNews ever close for routine maintenance?

19. The New York Times just wrote up CBS’ Gus Johnson as the greatest sports broadcaster in sports broadcasting history. Couch Slouch stands corrected.

20. If Eliot Spitzer’s career survives credit-card call girls and “Parker Spitzer,” he’s the most resilient man in America.

21. Between Ernie Johnson’s efficiency and Charles Barkley’s bombast on TNT, you sometimes overlook Kenny Smith’s soulful sustenance.

22. Not only was “The Fighter” – in my estimation – a better movie than “The King’s Speech,” but I also believe the fighter gave a better speech than the king.

23. It seems to me that sideline reporters would’ve come a lot earlier in the evolutionary cycle.

Ask The Slouch

Q. In your opinion, is the NFL lockout a monetary issue or is it a way of getting Brett Favre some badly needed rest so he can return in 2012? (Geno DaRonco; Pewaukee, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Should the owners of Food Network be forced to provide long-term care to the gluttons they exploit after their eating days are over? (John Swope; Irwin, Pa.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. When will ESPN.com and CBSSports.com start offering an online bracket manager for the NIT? (Sean Christensen; Salt Lake City)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. According to Answers.com, there are 6,900 known languages worldwide. Which one is Bill Raftery speaking? (Robert McMillan; Knoxville, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If a Duke player falls in the forest and there is no official there, is it still a charge? (Kevin McCleaf; Columbia, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley. (FYI: In our new CBA, Shirley must work overtime whenever asked.)