March 22, 2011 in City

Doug Clark: Doomsday may be looming, but don’t fret

By The Spokesman-Review
 

It should be obvious to everyone by now that the world is going to end on May 21 or next year on Dec. 21 or sometime pretty darned soon, anyway.

So today I must ask: Have you given any thought to what you’re going to wear or what to pack when it all comes down?

Probably not.

I’m guessing that you, like me, are a procrastinator when it comes to those tedious details of life, like doing taxes or preparing an end-of-the-world exit strategy.

Part of the problem is that there are so many doomsdays looming.

Right now, for example, there are religious folks traveling around the country on a mission.

And that is to warn everyone that the world will begin to biblically unravel on May 21.

From what I gathered on the Internet, this is just the prelude to a more dramatic end that will occur on Oct. 21.

I’m talking about scary holy-roller stuff like the Lord’s Return, Judgment Day, Charlie Sheen being outed as the anti-Christ …

Who knows?

It’s all based on the predictions of Harold Camping, an evangelist and president of something called Family Radio.

It should be noted that Camping previously predicted that the world would end on Sept. 6, 1994.

When that day came and went without cosmic consequence, Camping reportedly told disappointed followers that he had somehow miscalculated his Armageddon algorithm.

I can totally relate to this. I was so inept at math that my high school sophomore geometry teacher took me aside at the end of the first semester.

He told me he’d flunk me if I stayed in his class, but he’d give me a C if I disappeared.

It was the first equation he’d given me that I could solve.

Not only did I grab the offer, but I also vowed right then to never again waste any of my valuable time on math.

While Camping’s sanity may be open for debate, at least he didn’t try to wreck Bloomsday.

Nothing would put a crimp in the ol’ May 1 fun run like hellfire and damnation.

I’m no Bloomie so it’s not like I’d be missing anything. But I would hate to see all those new T-shirts going to waste.

Getting back to the countdown to oblivion …

The doom date getting the most press is Dec. 21, 2012.

This is based on the calendar of ancient Mayans, who conveniently weren’t around to claim any points on the Hollywood blockbuster movie that documented what will happen once the planet starts crumbling like a stale brownie.

I found “2012” difficult to watch. Especially when John Cusack dodges descending fireballs in a Winnebago.

It’s all so depressing. But I do have comforting news.

You know how we all laugh at our Lilac Wonderland for being so woefully behind the times.

(Disco, for example, wasn’t pronounced dead around here until the late ‘90s.)

What I’m saying is don’t fret if anyone tells you The End is at hand.

Maybe it is. But it’ll take 10 years before it ever hits Spokane.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.


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