March 31, 2011 in City

Clark: Spam could keep KPBX’s pledge drive healthy

 

Spokane Public Radio employees were in a red-faced dither last week when a link to a sexually explicit website somehow turned up on the KPBX Facebook page.

I’m sorry. But embarrassment and removing the link were the wrong reactions.

The station should have been celebrating its good fortune.

That’s right, celebrating.

What some see as a scandal is what I call a “happy accident.” You know, the way a piece of moldy bread left in a lab gave way to today’s giant, greed-driven pharmaceutical corporations.

What I’m saying is that this Internet link could lead to the end of public radio’s funding fears.

Oh, I’ll just say it.

Porn will put the profit into public radio.

There’ll have to be a few minor changes, naturally.

National Public Radio would become National Pubic Radio, for example. And KPBX would be better served as KPB-XXX.

I’ll get to format changes in a moment. But even die-hard snobs must concede that these are dire days for public radio.

Look, NPR is on the chopping block when it comes to receiving federal funds.

I’ll be honest. You won’t see any crocodile tears sliding down my cheeks.

I work for a newspaper, after all. The feds don’t give us any handouts.

Meanwhile, our pages are becoming thinner than Obama’s war management skills. One more downsize and reporters have been ordered to stop using adjectives.

But getting back to public radio …

Is anything more unlistenable than a KPBX pledge drive?

Besides Glenn Beck, I mean.

Is it just me or are they holding these wretched beg-a-thons every other week?

Man, you can always tell when it’s pledge drive time. The soothing Quaalude public radio voices start sounding like edgy sidewalk panhandlers.

(“The phone lines are open, so call 328-5729. Give us your money. NOW! That’s 328-5729. Okay, don’t call. I swear to God, we’ll take one of our KPBX interns up on the roof and TOSS HIS SKINNY ASS OFF! So save the punk’s life and we’ll throw in a free KPBX tote bag.)

Haughty public radio patrons probably think that they are above smut.

But they’ll hardly notice the changes.

Take the NPR program “Car Talk.” This is a call-in show where two auto experts – Click and Clack – attempt to answer various automotive questions.

The new “Whore Talk,” will feature Crass and Clap – two ladies of negotiable virtue – who will field questions related to the world’s oldest profession.

CALLER – “Uh, last night at a truck stop, um, this hooker charged me 30 bucks extra for a spanking. Is that a fair price for a spanking?”

CRASS – “Sorry, bud. But you got taken.”

CLAP – “You need to enroll in this Catholic boarding school I attended. Sister Katherine spanked me all the time and never charged me a dime.”

Ask yourselves: Which radio show would you rather tune in to?

I thought so.

Other NPR chestnuts include “A Prairie Home Companion,” “Fresh Air,” and “Morning Edition.”

Welcome to the new-and-improved lineup:

“A Prairie Porn Companion,” “Flesh Air” and (you probably saw this one coming) “Moaning Edition.”

The good news is that KPBX veteran Verne Windham can keep playing the classics at KPB-XXX.

Soundtracks to classic 1970s porn films, that is.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

“All Things Considered” can keep its familiar name.

There’ll just be a whole lot naughtier things being considered.

Hey, don’t thank me. It’s an honor being able to give public radio a happy ending.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.


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