Still waiting for spring to spring

So, did you catch Saturday’s weird weather?

Blue skies. Shining sun. Dry pavement…

According to my iPhone weather app, the temperature zoomed all the way to 79 degrees.

I thought I had entered “The Twilight Zone.”

My lovely wife, Sherry, got so excited that she turned off our furnace.

How delusional can you get?

Monday morning I woke up and couldn’t feel my feet.

Our house was doing a spot-on impersonation of that walk-in vegetable cooler at Costco.

Some doofus on the radio was yakking about the possibility of snow in the Pullman area.

“Looks like we’re back to normal again,” I mumbled.

Normal, that is, for this chilly waterlogged year.

You know, a little May snowfall might not be such a bad thing for Pullman.

This is the springtime kegger season, after all.

A layer of soft downy flakes would give WSU students a safe landing when they tumble drunkenly off frat house balconies.

Did I say springtime? What a joke.

I went out on the front porch about noon to check for mail.

My breath was coming out in foggy puffs like an Iditarod sled dog.

That just doesn’t happen this time of year.

Unless you’ve just consumed a big garlicky lunch at the West Wing, that is.

As I write these words the rain is coming down like in that Beatles song. I, too, want to run and hide my head.

Under a blanket.

That’s because my iPhone says it’s 43 degrees.

You know me. I’m not the one who normally gets hysterical about the weather around here. I usually leave the hysteria up to the TV weathergeeks.

But I think I speak for everyone around here by saying …

“What in the name of Mother Nature IS GOING ON!?!”

Is this yet another example of Al Gore’s global warming scam?

Is the world really going to end in a few days like that nutwad preacher claims?

(If it does then it was quite stupid of me to pay my Nordstrom bill last week.)

Here’s a forecast: This soggy shivering stretch is starting to cloud my normally sunny disposition.

I’m not the only one. I think the whole area is suffering from the damp and dour doldrums.

Guess we should look at the bright side.

Our cash-strapped burg won’t have to waste money this year on opening the swimming pools.

Kids instead will be told to just go splash in the potholes.

It’s not as dangerous as it sounds as long as they remember to break off the ice before diving in.

Of far bigger concern is Saturday’s Lilac Festival Torchlight Parade.

Firstly, what lilacs?

I’ve got a lilac bush in my yard. The thing’s not blooming. It’s too busy shivering.

The Spokane Mildew Festival would be a more apt name for this year’s celebration.

If the rain keeps up, Spokane’s annual parade with floats will give way to a rowboat flotilla.

Spectators will still be allowed to soak in the scene from the curbside in their lawn chairs.

But be warned: No fishing. And life jackets are advised.