May 22, 2011 in City

Doug Clark: As ends go, this one was pretty boring

By The Spokesman-Review
 

To quote Barry Manilow, “Looks like we made it!”

If you’re reading this then it’s a fairly good indicator that the world did not end Saturday as predicted by a group of sincere religious people with cornmeal for brains.

Whew. I was actually a little worried.

The end of the world could have put a serious kink in our newspaper delivery system.

I’m betting these doom-and-gloom dipsticks have already come up with the Big Excuse for what went wrong.

The Almighty changed His mind, say.

The dog ate my Leviticus …

I’ll tell you what the basic flaw was. That dummy Harold Camping dared to put a date on his prophecy.

Camping is the so-called evangelist who gave May 21 as the date that the world would biblically begin to disintegrate.

Supposedly the Rapture was going to snatch Christians away slicker than a Criss Angel magic trick.

Camping claims there’s an even bigger disaster coming on Oct. 21.

There’s also that 12/21/12 world’s end date of Internet and movie fame.

But will anybody care after Saturday’s letdown?

You don’t need a Magic 8 Ball to know that all signs point to NO.

This bozo Camping should have learned his lesson when he predicted that the world would end on Sept. 6, 1994.

See, being a prophet is a lot like running for Spokane mayor. No good ever comes from being too specific.

You don’t see me giving out any dates regarding the Five Signs of SpoMageddon.

What?

You haven’t heard about the Five Signs, which, when fulfilled, will bring on the end of the Inland Empire as we know it?

Well, allow me to enlighten you.

SIGN 1 – The last Spokane pothole is patched.

SIGN 2 – Triple-A baseball returns to Avista Stadium.

SIGN 3 – The north/south freeway is completed.

SIGN 4 – The Crescent department store returns to its full and nostalgic glory.

SIGN 5 – Steve Corker gives up politics.

Once these events are fulfilled – trust me – we’re toast.

Oh, yeah. It’s all spelled out in the Bible.

The good thing about these signs, however, is that we should have plenty of time to get ready.

Really. Some of these things look like they won’t happen in a million years.

Especially the Corker one.

You know, I almost feel a twinge of sorrow for the poor suckers who fell for Camping’s load of crapola.

One of the followers is a local guy who supposedly quit his job. At least that’s what I heard being reported Friday night on a TV news show.

Maybe it’s me, but the guy looked like he was trying overly hard to believe his own hype.

So what does the poor schmuck do now?

I say he just shows up back at work acting like nothing happened.

Eventually, the boss will notice and say, “Hey, aren’t you the kook who thought he was going to be raptured?”

That’s when he should look his boss straight in the eye and say …

“Hey, have you heard about the Five Signs of SpoMageddon?”

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.

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