November 15, 2011 in Features

The Slice: About time to face the FAQs

By The Spokesman-Review

Don’t light your snowman’s cornpipe.
(Full-size photo)

The winter solstice is still more than a month away.

But this might be a good time to present answers to frequently asked questions about building a snowman.

Let’s get right to it.

Q: Where do snowmen go when they die?

A: Snow people don’t actually perish. Their corporeal forms succumb to warm temperatures. But their spirits come back in the form of reborn snow beings.

Q: What’s the difference between a Spokane snowman and a North Idaho snowman?

A: A Spokane snowman is more apt to be named in several outstanding warrants.

Q: Is smoking bad for snowmen?

A: It would be if you actually put tobacco in that corncob pipe and lit it.

Q: What should one do if birds or dogs befoul a snow individual?

A: Snow surgery. Stat.

Q: Do Spokane snowmen like to wear hats?

A: Yes, but not backward ballcaps.

Q: Is it necessary to give snowboys and snowgirls a talk about the birds and bees?

A: No. The pertinent organs in this case are the hearts of children.

Q: We have a gas grill. So what, instead of charcoal, can we use for eyes?

A: Something squirrels won’t gouge out and eat. And with the angle of the sun at our latitude, snow people welcome sunglasses.

Q: Compared to other early-wintertime drivers in the Spokane area, do snowmen tend to be safe motorists?

A: Yes.

Q: Do snow persons worry about their weight?

A: Yes, but in the opposite way that people do.

Q: Can the movements of snowmen be discerned by the naked eye?

A: Depends on what you have been smoking.

Q: Should snow people be anatomically correct?

A: Yes, they should have a thorax.

Q: When selecting a name for a snowman should I try to come up with something no one else has ever thought of and maybe spell it in a wacky way to show how creative and cool I am? Or should I give the snowman a real name and allow him to establish his identity in the world through his character and achievements?

A: Given their long-term prospects, it’s probably better to not name them.

Today’s Slice question: Who has seen the most plays performed live at Spokane area theaters over the years?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email The Slice Blog at does not claim to save lives. “SPO” is used as an acronym by all sorts of organizations, departments and agencies across the country.

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