Doug Clark: A word to the weasels: There’s an app for that

These cellphones are getting more sci-fi sophisticated every day.

In fact, I just installed this totally unbelievable new app that promises to “translate Weaselspeak.”

You know, the doubletalk public officials use to continually con citizens like you and me.

All you have to do is type in a real quote.

Then – voila! – the app will tell you what the weasel really meant.

I couldn’t wait to try it out, so I fed it some published remarks that were uttered recently by a few Spokane figureheads. The translations I got certainly seem reasonable.

But why don’t you be the judge?

Spokane Mayor-elect David Condon:

Quote – “I’m dedicated to living up to the trust the voters have put within me.”

Translation – “I’m delighted about living it up in a fancy City Hall office with a fat salary.”

Quote – “Obviously, I am very humbled, very, very humbled at the outpouring of support that the voters have shown.”

Translation – “I’m so pretty. I’m so pretty. I’m pretty and witty and MAYYYOR!”

Quote – “We need to get our economy back. How does Spokane become a jobs magnet?”

Translation – “I know. I’ll buy a new suit. Don’t say Condon never helped the Lilac economy.”

Quote – “The reality is we’ve got a lot of work ahead of us. There’s six weeks and a couple of major holidays, so we need to get to business.”

Translation – “Voters have sieve-like minds. Six weeks and they’ll forget every line of campaign bull I fed them.”

Quote – “I would have a lack of confidence in … the legal opinions of Rocky (Treppiedi) at this point, but we’ll make those decisions as we get into City Hall.”

Translation – “Get your résumé ready, Rocko. Mayor C’s gonna kick your … ”

City Attorney (and Treppiedi’s boss) Howard Delaney:

Quote – I’m “looking forward to working on the transition and preparing the city for a new mayor.”

Translation – “I haven’t slept a wink since that awful, wretched man won the election.”

Assistant City Attorney Rocky Treppiedi:

Quote – No comment.

Translation – “No one touches the Rockster. I have Polaroids.”

Spokane Police Chief Anne Kirkpatrick, who will retire on Jan. 2:

Quote – “I have been honored to serve as the chief of police, and I thank SPD’s employees, the city’s elected leadership, and most importantly the citizens for this opportunity.”

Translation – “Why’d I ever think I could tame these cowboy cops? I should have taken that Wal-Mart greeter job.”

Quote – “I have nothing lined up. I have no application anywhere.”

Translation – “Thank the Spokane Police Guild for that.”

Quote – “I’m at a great age for new things.”

Translation – “Like wandering the streets, sleeping in libraries, learning to whittle … ”

Outgoing Spokane Mayor Mary Verner:

Quote – “I have only a few days left in this year to make sure that I leave the city in good condition.”

Translation – “I’m devoting every second left in my term to screwing over Condon.”

Quote – “We used to go camping when I was a kid and I was always taught that you leave your site better than when you found it, and that’s what I’m trying to do with the city.”

Translation – “While camping I learned to use an outhouse. Now I’m stuck at the bottom of one.”

Quote – “I am a single mom and I will of course have to have a paycheck, and I will be looking for a job.”

Translation – “I gave up $70,000 a year of my mayor’s salary. I thought that magnanimous act would win me a second term. I need my bloody head examined.”

Quote – “Ultimately, I certainly regret losing the election, but I will never regret putting the city of Spokane first.”

Translation – “I can’t believe I lost. I can’t believe I lost. Ican’tbelieveIlost. Aaaahhhhrrrgg!!!”

Quote – The Condon campaign was a “partisan domination strategy with out-of-town consultants, push polls and shrewd positioning of issues in collaboration with media mouthpieces.”

Translation – “I actually sang on the sidewalk with that idiot, Clark. Really, I should get my bloody head examined.”

Quote – “I think Spokane voters are smart enough not to be swayed by a curse.”

Translation – “Go ahead and scoff, Condon. But in four years the Curse of the One-Term Mayor will get you, too!”