November 17, 2011 in City

Doug Clark: A word to the weasels: There’s an app for that

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These cellphones are getting more sci-fi sophisticated every day.

In fact, I just installed this totally unbelievable new app that promises to “translate Weaselspeak.”

You know, the doubletalk public officials use to continually con citizens like you and me.

All you have to do is type in a real quote.

Then – voila! – the app will tell you what the weasel really meant.

I couldn’t wait to try it out, so I fed it some published remarks that were uttered recently by a few Spokane figureheads. The translations I got certainly seem reasonable.

But why don’t you be the judge?

Spokane Mayor-elect David Condon:

Quote – “I’m dedicated to living up to the trust the voters have put within me.”

Translation – “I’m delighted about living it up in a fancy City Hall office with a fat salary.”

Quote – “Obviously, I am very humbled, very, very humbled at the outpouring of support that the voters have shown.”

Translation – “I’m so pretty. I’m so pretty. I’m pretty and witty and MAYYYOR!”

Quote – “We need to get our economy back. How does Spokane become a jobs magnet?”

Translation – “I know. I’ll buy a new suit. Don’t say Condon never helped the Lilac economy.”

Quote – “The reality is we’ve got a lot of work ahead of us. There’s six weeks and a couple of major holidays, so we need to get to business.”

Translation – “Voters have sieve-like minds. Six weeks and they’ll forget every line of campaign bull I fed them.”

Quote – “I would have a lack of confidence in … the legal opinions of Rocky (Treppiedi) at this point, but we’ll make those decisions as we get into City Hall.”

Translation – “Get your résumé ready, Rocko. Mayor C’s gonna kick your … ”

City Attorney (and Treppiedi’s boss) Howard Delaney:

Quote – I’m “looking forward to working on the transition and preparing the city for a new mayor.”

Translation – “I haven’t slept a wink since that awful, wretched man won the election.”

Assistant City Attorney Rocky Treppiedi:

Quote – No comment.

Translation – “No one touches the Rockster. I have Polaroids.”

Spokane Police Chief Anne Kirkpatrick, who will retire on Jan. 2:

Quote – “I have been honored to serve as the chief of police, and I thank SPD’s employees, the city’s elected leadership, and most importantly the citizens for this opportunity.”

Translation – “Why’d I ever think I could tame these cowboy cops? I should have taken that Wal-Mart greeter job.”

Quote – “I have nothing lined up. I have no application anywhere.”

Translation – “Thank the Spokane Police Guild for that.”

Quote – “I’m at a great age for new things.”

Translation – “Like wandering the streets, sleeping in libraries, learning to whittle … ”

Outgoing Spokane Mayor Mary Verner:

Quote – “I have only a few days left in this year to make sure that I leave the city in good condition.”

Translation – “I’m devoting every second left in my term to screwing over Condon.”

Quote – “We used to go camping when I was a kid and I was always taught that you leave your site better than when you found it, and that’s what I’m trying to do with the city.”

Translation – “While camping I learned to use an outhouse. Now I’m stuck at the bottom of one.”

Quote – “I am a single mom and I will of course have to have a paycheck, and I will be looking for a job.”

Translation – “I gave up $70,000 a year of my mayor’s salary. I thought that magnanimous act would win me a second term. I need my bloody head examined.”

Quote – “Ultimately, I certainly regret losing the election, but I will never regret putting the city of Spokane first.”

Translation – “I can’t believe I lost. I can’t believe I lost. Ican’tbelieveIlost. Aaaahhhhrrrgg!!!”

Quote – The Condon campaign was a “partisan domination strategy with out-of-town consultants, push polls and shrewd positioning of issues in collaboration with media mouthpieces.”

Translation – “I actually sang on the sidewalk with that idiot, Clark. Really, I should get my bloody head examined.”

Quote – “I think Spokane voters are smart enough not to be swayed by a curse.”

Translation – “Go ahead and scoff, Condon. But in four years the Curse of the One-Term Mayor will get you, too!”

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

Seven comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  Open_Spokane on November 17 at 5:42 a.m.

  Mr. Clark,

  No one can deny that you are truly gifted as a writer and I sure everyone outside local government enjoys reading your column.

  But seriously, Spokane is and will continue to be a dirty corrupt town so long as our local news media fails to report all public misdeeds. I challenge the Spokesman Review to take some responsibility for the sad condition of our community.

  It took an outside prosecutor from the other Washington to convict former SPD Officer Thompson. It took Forbes Magazine to list Spokane as the top city in America for fraud.
  Must we always go outside to seek justice and the truth?

  I’m fed up with the inept job of reporting that the Spokesman has been doing ever since the Riverpark Square fiasco. Isn’t it about time that the dirty dealings of the Cowles family needs some attention by the S-R?

  Accountability starts at the very top.

• 

  PassinThru on November 17 at 7:54 a.m.

  Open_Spokane and Doug Clarke both have a great idea. We need an app that will help translate biased media-speak. It’s amazing to me how many dunderheads vote based on the slanted opinions that they’re assuming is “news”.

  There is probably more truth in this article than in the rest of today’s news, both here and on the TV.

• 

  mtorres55 on November 17 at 8:01 a.m.

  Risking egg on my face, I’m betting Treppeidi does NOT get fired, in spite of all the rhetoric.

  Hoping for the egg….

• 

  mikeln on November 17 at 12:23 p.m.

  The weasel is a noble animal and shouldn’t be used to describe this cities so called leadership. Clark should run a contest to come up with a proper term for these people.

• 

  brianrbreen on November 17 at 1:49 p.m.

  @mtorres55

  If he doesn’t get rid of Rocco and Delaney, if he thinks he has problems, just wait and see.

• 

  Jethro_toll on November 17 at 2:00 p.m.

  mikein.. uh d#*(&$ b&*’s been taken already.

  Quote: Feist: Here are the Maryors (my new word) FAQ’s. They have been carefully researched.

  Translation: I am way overpaid to scribble down nonsense.

  Quote: Tucker I am the County Prosecuting Attorney

  Translation: Will the damn room quit spinning so I can find my five iron.

  Quote: Shogun. I am bringing Hell

  Translation: Excuse me, can you help me find my meds?

  Quote: Mike Fagan Dilligas

  Translation: It maybe my email address, but I still deny that I know what it means.

  Quote: David Condon. I am non-partisan

  Translation: Bring on the R-Money and if you dont have an R on your forehead you aint getting on my invasion err.. transition team.

  Quote David Condon: I will serve as your Mayor with the greatest transparency.

  Translation: Anyone got the phone number for the tailor for the Emperors New CLothes?

  Quote: Spokanes Street Department We know how to plow snow

  Translation: Anyone got a copy of the Dummies Guild to Snow Plowing? Ha ha we got you fooled…AGAIN..

  Quote Phyliss Lamphert. I wont run for office again.

  Translation: Is the position of director of the UFO landing zones coming up for election next year?

  Quote: Salvatori. I am glad to be elected.

  Translation: I better get them californian license plates off my Escalade.

  QuoteL Cathy McMorris. Anything she says.

  Translation: Bobble..bobble..bobble..we are worth a million and owe money on my student loan.Well until congress votes for permenant forbearance on all that money I owe you taxe payers.

  Quote: Steve Eugster. What about that strong mayor form of government I ran down your throats?

  Translation; Never mind.

  Quote: Jim West: Paybacks are a b#&*$

  Translation: Paybacks are a b#&*$

• 

  Slightlyworried on November 17 at 5:53 p.m.

  Quote: “I have carefully reviewed the Karl Thompson file and decided not to file charges.”

  Translation: “Why would I charge a police officer with misconduct when I need the entire department to turn a blind eye to my driving home from the Globe Tavern every afternoon?”