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Doug Clark: But what will Mayflower Mary put on her turkey?

Thu., Nov. 24, 2011

Gather round, gobblers. It’s time again for the Thanksgiving tradition that is even more ubiquitous than congealed gravy and indigestion.

Welcome to the sixth installment of Ask Professor Pilgrim.

The nation’s foremost expert on Thanksgiving has returned to address all of our Turkey Day concerns.

Before we tap into the professor’s wisdom, however, we have been asked to announce the following closures:

The post office, the courthouse and Rocky Treppiedi’s chances for continued employment at the Spokane City Attorney’s Office.

Let the holiday bash begin!

Q. Professor Pilgrim, do you plan to watch the Macy’s parade in New York?

A. I’m too busy studying Internet reruns of that cop who maces peaceful student activists in California.

Q. Despicable, wasn’t it?

A. Those kids don’t know how lucky they were.

Q. Lucky?

A. Yeah. Think what would have happened had that campus cop been Karl Thompson Jr. Forget pepper spray. Ol’ Karl would have clubbed those kids into baby seal pulp.

Q. Point taken. Do you think Thompson should have been let out of jail until sentencing?

A. Not after what he did to Otto Zehm. But it does explain Thompson’s obsession for free-range turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Q. Really?

A. Yes. Thompson doesn’t want to be near anything that has been near a cage.

Q. Speaking of menu tips, what’s the best way to know when a bird’s getting overheated and overcooked?

A. That red vein popping out on Joe Shogan’s forehead is a dead giveaway.

Q. I was talking about turkeys, Professor Pilgrim.

A. So’s Professor Pilgrim.

Q. There you go getting political again. I suppose you even know what Spokane Mayor Mary Verner will be serving today.

A. No. But after losing the mayor’s race, it’s a sure bet that she’s issued a ban on condon-ments.

Q. Boo! That joke’s about as awful as it gets.

A. You’re welcome.

Q. Is Professor Pilgrim having guests over this Thanksgiving?

A. Well, I was going to invite a batch of those “Occupy” protestors.

Q. What happened?

A. Found out most of them have something against using deodorant, too.

Q. Are you a big holiday football watcher, Professor?

A. Not really. Although for the last few weeks I’ve been quite focused on the personal fouls being committed at In-the-Penn State.

Q. Do you think Joe Paterno deserved to be fired?

A. No. I think Paterno deserved to be carved and quartered like a freshly cooked Butterball.

Q. Will you be joining the madding mass on Black Friday?

A. No. Professor Pilgrim doesn’t even go to Mass on Good Friday. I’ll just hang around with my best friends.

Q. Jack Daniels and Jim Beam?

A. No. My liver had a falling out with those boys. I’m back to the Gallo brothers, Ernest and Julio.

Q. Do you have any Thanksgiving wisdom that you’d like to impart to the world before leaving?

A. Yes, I’d like to extend a one-finger salute to greedy shopping mall executives who now bring Santa into malls days before Thanksgiving instead of the traditional day after.

Q. There’s a term for that sort of crass commercialization, isn’t there?

A. Yep. Bah! Humbug!

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at

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