Holiday gatherings can be challenge for recovering alcoholic

Whether you are recovering from alcoholism or simply have been dealing with drunk relatives for a lifetime, the holiday season poses extra challenges.

Susan Lederer, a licensed social worker with an office in Greenfield, Mass., advises to “keep your expectations low.”

Lederer said that the onslaught of “happy families” that appear on holiday movies and specials tend to raise unrealistic expectations.

“Everybody sees the holiday shows and longs for that fantasy family,” she said.

Avoiding your family holiday gathering is the simplest, most direct way to avoid confrontations with drunk relatives. However, many people feel compelled by the ritual and expectations of the holidays or simply feel obligated to attend family gatherings.

Douglas Grote, a drug and alcohol counselor also in Greenfield, Mass., said it is important to be aware ahead of time if the point of the gathering is getting drunk.

Lederer added, “You can also bring a friend or a sponsor if you are in recovery. It’s good having someone with you who understands, especially if you are trying to stay sober yourself.”

Lederer emphasized that keeping yourself safe is a top priority. A practical suggestion was, “It’s good to create parameters and limits. Only visit for a couple of hours, no matter how much they cajole you to stay longer.”

Even if your family members are coming to visit you, Lederer suggests that limits can still be placed. “You can tell family members that you are having an ‘open house’ between certain hours only,” she said.

If confronted by aggressive relatives, Grote said, “Just try to not get them too excited. I know it’s scary and frustrating. Engage, but don’t confront.”

Bunti Field, a counselor who for the past 11 years has worked with people who have experienced domestic violence, said she tells people if they are going to have to deal with drunk relatives to “use emotional tai chi and hide the keys.”

Field said “emotional tai chi” is the idea of not meeting aggressive energy with your own, but rather “stepping out of the way metaphysically. … You don’t have to take their need for aggression. You choose whether to be a part of a bad situation or not,” she said.

Drug and alcohol counselor Michele DiLisio said, “It is helpful to strategize ahead of time. Make sure you have a backup plan.

“You can always take a break; take a walk to defuse the situation,” she said.

For those who are in recovery, DiLisio recommends going to an AA meeting before or after the event.

“And if you have to stay over, check ahead of time to see what meetings are in the area,” she said.

Bottom line: Plan ahead to protect yourself during the holiday season.