The Slice: Near nature, near tundra

I blame the National Football League for the fact that many in Spokane do not look forward to cold weather.

If, instead of Green Bay, Wis., Spokane was the one smallish city with an NFL franchise, everything would be different.

We would take pride in being able to endure bitter cold.

Our hearts warmed by the cherished memory of sonorously narrated NFL films referring to “the frozen tundra,” we would bask in our own see-your-breath ruggedness.

Talk about an image makeover.

OK, occasional amazing snowfall totals notwithstanding, our winters are not always truly stout. But Spokane is, after all, farther north than Green Bay. Once in a while, we get a deep-freeze blast.

And even though storied Packers quarterback Bart Starr was from Alabama and defensive end Willie Davis was from Louisiana, the conventional wisdom holds that in cold-weather cities, bone-chilling conditions help the home team.

Having a team would change how Spokane relates to winter — at least on a few Sundays each year.

Sure, there are real-world reasons why there is an NFL team in Green Bay and not here. But that doesn’t mean we can’t imagine what it would be like.

Instead of “Near Nature” et cetera, we could be “Titletown.”

Instead of one home game every now and then in Milwaukee, the community-owned Spokane team could deign to play an occasional game in Seahawksless Seattle.

Instead of having a stadium named for Curly Lambeau, we could have Howard Field, named for Curly Howard. Our fans could become famous for getting into the heads of opposing quarterbacks with the signature 65,000-strong echoing call of “N’yuk, n’yuk, n’yuk.”

The team could be the Spokane Stooges. Instead of “Back the Pack,” we would say “Stand by the Stooges.”

And instead of cheesehead hats, we could sport huckleberry hoods, lentil lids, faux-marmot muffs and Bigfoot boots.

But most of all, when the temperature starts to dip, we would just smile.

Today’s Slice question: Who around here has gone the longest without eating an apple?