Not thrilled about dad’s engagement
Hi, Carolyn: My mom died suddenly in November. My parents had been married for 40 years. My dad started dating two months after her passing and just got engaged. I have met his fiancee three times, and they have been together for about six weeks.
Is it OK that I am not thrilled about this? To soften it they told me they would not get married for a year, but also said they are basically living together. I think they expected me to congratulate them. I feel like I need more time to get used to this. Am I being mean? – Anonymous
I’m sorry about your mom. And, in a way, I’m happy for your dad.
Of course it’s OK that you aren’t thrilled; you’re grieving, and this couple is moving stupid fast by even non-grieving standards.
But. There is a bright and clear line between what you’re entitled to feel (anything) and entitled to do (very little). Since the way you react to your father’s relationship carries potentially lifelong consequences on your relationship with him, keep your response within these boundaries:
(1) It’s dad’s life, not yours.
(2) You grieve your way, he grieves his. There’s no one “right” way.
(3) If you feel you have to speak up – say, to keep him from misreading your distress – then put yourself on a short leash. No finger-pointing, no speculation, just facts.
As a rule, don’t make any negative statements without two positives to balance it out. For example: “I want you to be happy (+), and I’m grateful to you both for being sensitive about the wedding date (+). I just worry about the speed of things (-).” And, speak as his equal, not his scold: “… as I believe you’d worry if I got engaged as quickly.”
(4) Don’t criticize his fiancee; you don’t know her well enough. When you do know her well enough, don’t criticize her then, either.
(5) Articulate what you’re asking of him, and ask for realistic things. Insisting he break up or keep this woman out of your family, for example, forces him to take sides, your wants versus his. Instead, request some time to adjust; that lets both sides coexist.
Pardon the cornball, but this can be hard to remember when a sense of loss and a fear of change preoccupy you: When in doubt, err on the side of love. Your dad can use that, and I’m guessing so can you.