Clark: Soapy sales help cleanse dirty dilemma

By now just about everyone is familiar with the Internet’s many pitfalls.

The hateful speech from no-name cowards. The shocking websites and scam letters.

The insidious onslaught of Condon for Mayor emails …

Sure, I could go on and on. But my goal isn’t to turn your stomachs.

My aim today is to praise the World Wide Web for what it does so wonderfully well.

And that is to connect a needy consumer with goods and services that may not be available in his more narrow-minded neck of the woods.

The virtue of online capitalism became apparent early Tuesday evening, when a delivery guy rapped on my front door after leaving a package on the porch.

Christmas in October!

I lugged the carton over to my coffee table and sliced it open with a pocketknife. Inside were the items I had ordered over the weekend:

Six 85-ounce boxes of phosphate-enriched Cascade dishwasher detergent.

“So clean, it’s virtually spotless,” boasted a bit of text on the label.

Oh, baby.

Now I don’t want to be greedy.

So in the biblical spirit of dividing the loaves and fishwiches, I am going to give away one box from the Clark Cascade Cache.

All you must do is convince me of your phosphate worthiness.

(Contact me via the information below. Tell me why you’d love some of my soap. Remember to leave your name and a phone number so I can give you the blessed news.)

Yeah, I know what’s coming.

My last Cascade giveaway was branded as an act of terrorism by eco-twerps who don’t believe in an individual’s freedom of bleach.

Thanks to these killjoys, phosphate-enhanced dish soap is all but impossible to find.

Stores can’t sell it. Wholesalers don’t carry it.

Even the crack dealers are afraid to sell it.

Driving to Idaho used to work, but even that once-bountiful source has dried up.

The phosphate fear has spread faster than a swine flu pandemic.

Phosphates have been banned for being bad for the environment, which is absurd.

Cascade classic is a green product – just look at the color of the box.

Fortunately I knew this was coming and, like a survivalist, planned ahead.

The Clark crockery has been sparkly clean thanks to the half-dozen boxes of Cascade that I bought in a Post Falls grocery store back in 2009.

Sure, I could have bought the eco-friendly gunk and settled for dubious results.

But here’s the thing. I don’t like having my life regulated by agenda-driven know-it-alls.

Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired. But if the government suddenly outlawed vegetarianism, I’d be up to my tonsils in tofu.

But getting back to Cascade, last week I realized I was down to my final 60-ounce box.

Panic began to set in until I remembered the message one of my readers left on my voice mail. She told me about this detergent source she had found on the Web.

So I began my own e-search. A few minutes later, I was perusing www.restockit.com.

Six big boxes of Cascade for under 55 bucks.

Free shipping, to boot.

Isn’t the Internet great?