Understanding Catholic funeral Mass
Q. Recently I went to a Catholic funeral Mass. The only time anyone told stories about the deceased person was briefly after communion. It seemed just like a regular church service. Why do they do that?
A. To understand how Catholics memorialize their dead, let’s look at history and at the theology of a Catholic funeral Mass.
“In days gone by, I suspect that the ‘eulogy’ slot was the two- or three-day wake of the deceased, which certainly in the Irish tradition could be a wonderful and raucous time!” explains Jesuit priest Donald Sharp of San Francisco.
“Today, since time constraints and business don’t allow for the ‘celebration of life’ in the manner of the old wakes in days gone by, the eulogy slot has been tagged on at the end of the funeral Mass,” Sharp says.
Catholics do hold a prayer vigil the night before the Mass; an informal atmosphere encourages anyone to take the microphone and share favorite memories.
However, since many people attend only the funeral Mass, they miss opportunities to hear and tell stories.
Understanding the theology of Catholic worship will explain the purpose of the Catholic funeral Mass.
In a November 2010 U.S. Catholic article, the Rev. James Field said there are two purposes: to commend the dead to God’s merciful love and to plead for the forgiveness of their sins.
And officially, a eulogy (the word means word of praise) is not allowed because mourners are there to praise Christ, not praise the deceased.
The Catholic funeral does allow for the word of remembrance of faith after Communion when someone, other than the priest, speaks about the person who has died.
Field writes, “I often tell the person chosen for the word of remembrance of faith that, in this context of baptism, his or her task is to give a kind of final report to the church. The church placed a candle into the deceased’s or godparent’s hand once, and said, ‘See to it that the flame of faith is still burning when the Lord comes.’ How did this dear one carry that flickering flame into life, how did they nurture it, share it?”
Following Field’s theological direction offers mourners an opportunity to learn more about the dear departed’s virtues – rather than the person’s shenanigans – and is consistent with the purpose of the Catholic funeral Mass.
Q. I have nine other siblings. We are in our 40s and 50s. Our mother was recently put in a care facility because of Alzheimer’s disease. Two of my siblings have told the rest of us they don’t intend to visit mom because they want to “remember her how she was” and that mom “wouldn’t like us to see her this way.” We think this is just a copout and feel angry about it. Who is right?
A. It is difficult for most people to visit friends and family members with dementia. Your siblings are not alone.
But their sensible-sounding reasons are excuses in disguise. And in the long run, they are missing out on some sacred time with your mother.
Rebecca’s father died of Alzheimer’s in 1996 and spent the last two years in a dementia care facility. All his children and many of his grandchildren visited regularly, but most of his friends stayed away.
One friend who did show up, Sam Grashio, was a World War II hero who escaped a Japanese prison camp and also survived the infamous Bataan Death March. So he was fearless.
Alzheimer’s didn’t scare him, but it can be frightening to many others. And fear is likely one emotion behind your siblings’ decision not to visit.
Becky Tiller, a Spokane elder care specialist, has led Alzheimer’s support groups for 20 years. She said adult children of dementia-sufferers see their parents in a care facility and wonder: “Is this my future?”
Alzheimer’s can have a heredity factor, and nearly half of people older than 85 come down with some form of dementia.
Ignorance of what to do and say could be another reason your siblings don’t wish to visit, Tiller said.
You can’t carry on a “normal” conversation. Your parents might not even know you are their children or, as is common, will mistake you for their dead brother or sister, especially if there’s a family resemblance.
Tiller suggests looking to the staff for guidance. They have often been trained in communicating with dementia patients.
She also gives these tips: “Don’t stand over the top of them. Get eye-to-eye with them.”
Touch their hands, their faces. Don’t be shy with cheek kisses and hugs.
“One of the things this population misses out on is touch,” Tiller said.
And if they are still verbal, Tiller advised, “Let them talk about whatever is on their minds.”
Perhaps the saddest part of your siblings’ reluctance to visit is how much they will miss. Dementia sufferers truly live in the moment. They have no other choice.
And as far gone as their memories are, dementia patients are often fluent in nonverbal emotional communication. They sense love. And need it more than ever.
“Put yourself in their position,” Tiller said. “Would you want someone who has loved you for 50 years or more to visit?”
All that said, you obviously can’t force your siblings to visit. You probably can’t guilt them into it, either.
But you can role-model the grace that arrives when adult children visit parents with dementia, and understand that the “way they are now” is part of their life story, too.