Doug Clark: To boldly go elsewhere
By month’s end, the population of Earth will reportedly reach 7 billion. The implications are clear.
Some of you will have to go.
(More about the eviction list I’m compiling in a moment.)
First, let’s take a look at the disastrous environmental consequences from overpopulation.
According to our finest scientific minds and Al Gore, the planet’s ecosystem is exactly like a trendy LA nightclub that has become overpacked with hipsters and Kardashian sisters who are dancing and sweating and eating all the food and clogging all the toilets.
It’s only a matter of time before the fire marshal and health officials turn off the strobe lights and order the whole joint shut down.
Which brings us to the big question:
Who do we jettison as ballast?
Well, the Kardashians, obviously.
But while that would be a blessing to humankind, even someone with my deficient math skills can see that it won’t even make a dent in 7 billion.
That’s why I’ve come up with a modest, three-step proposal I call Operation Outta Here!
Step One: Build big rocket ships. This will create jobs and reinvigorate our debilitated space program.
Step Two: Fill rockets with individuals who have been selected as too dumb and annoying to put up with anymore.
Step Three: Blast off! Don’t worry. The lucky astronauts will eventually find their own planet to repopulate much like on that new TV show, “Terra Nova,” minus all that hooey about time travel and dinosaurs.
Unfortunately, NASA officials say they won’t take me seriously until they receive a complete passenger list. So feel free to send me your own “Outta Here” nominations via the contact information below.
Here are a few preliminary Operation Outta Here selections.
• Boobs who can’t find their way out of a corn maze.
According to a recent news story, a Massachusetts couple took their baby into a corn maze and got so lost they had to call 911 for rescue.
Here’s part of the actual 911 transcript:
Wife: “I don’t see anybody. I’m really scared.”
Husband: “I see lights over there at the place, but we can’t get there, we’re smack right in the middle of the cornfield.”
Baby: “I want to be adopted.”
• The entire cast of “American Hoggers,” an A&E reality show about overweight redneck Texas family members who chase wild pigs for a living. Really.
• Lindsay Lohan, but only after she finishes washing all the dead people for her community morgue service.
• People who still use checks in long grocery store checkout lines when I’m waiting at the back.
• Anyone who puts “American Hoggers” on TiVo.
• Carlos Ocariz, mayor of eastern Caracas, Venezuela, for acts against humanity.
Mayor Ocariz recently unleashed 120 mimes dressed up as clowns to silently scold traffic violators.
• Ditto all mimes everywhere.
• Ditto desperate candidates who pander for votes by waving like mimes at traffic. (Yes, Dennis Hession. I saw you on that street corner the other morning.)
• People who keep exotic zoo animals as pets.
• Especially people who sleep with their exotic zoo animals.
• Harold Camping, that aged religious kook who keeps teasing us with erroneous end-of-the-world predictions.
• Avista executives. No explanation necessary.
• Any cops who claim that a plastic, two-liter bottle of pop is a dangerous weapon. Makes corn maze morons look like Stephen Hawking.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at email@example.com.