October 25, 2011 in City

It’s not just a detergent – it’s an antiseptic

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

Read archived columns from Doug Clark.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Time to come clean.

And by that I mean it’s time to announce the winner of a free, 5.3-pound (85-ounce) box of phosphate-enlivened Cascade dishwasher soap.

You know, the stuff that has been idiotically banned by eco-nannies who don’t want our dishes to sparkle.

Before getting to the lucky winner, however, a few observations are in order.

Every time I give away a box of Cascade the responses fall into three predictable groups.

Gentle, peace-loving naturists who’d love to club me into a bloody baby seal pulp for committing crimes against guppies.

Yoda know-it-alls who attempt to cajole me into trying some hippy-dippy phosphate-free concoction that will not only clean my dishes, but tastes great, too!

Insightful readers like Joe (no last name), who writes: “You are lifesaver. We just ordered a shipment (of Cascade) from restockit.com. … You should be nominated for the Consumer Advocate of the Year!”

Aw, thanks, Joe. But I’m no hero.

I’m just an average American who doesn’t appreciate being told what he can or can’t pour in his Kenmore.

And I’m not alone.

An entire rinse cycle of Cascade-loving emails and phone calls poured into Clark Central, making the task of choosing a winner a chore.

Katie Youngren went so far as to pen me an ode to soap.

“Oh, dear sir, please do come to my aid,

“For I’m down to my last of Cascade.

“It’s my only sure means,

“Of detergent that cleans,

“All the gunk stuck to my Rubbermaid.”

Ah, poetry in lotion.

Others tried to win my soap with funny lines, like …

• “Count me among those that want to see a white glaze on my Krispy Kremes, not my dishes,” – David Kamka.

• “You insist on grasping that big stick and whacking the hornet’s nest, don’t you? Love it – keep it up.” – Jeff Brown.

• “You must be eavesdropping on my kitchen every night when we look into the dishwasher and swear. Nothing is the same without phosphates.” – Jomarie Pupo Francis.

• “Please, oh, please, consider me when giving away your nice box of Cascade… My dishes need you!!!” – Lynda Haisley.

• “I’d love to have a box just to gloat to the narrow-minded polar bear savers at my work.” – Cory Goltiani.

• “I have a septic system and if we have any fish in our system that would be bothered by the use of a little phosphates, I say, ‘bring it on.’ ” – Trish Christenson.

• “I am crying out of sheer frustration and all that salt water has ruined my coffee. But I am now switching to brandy and soon I just won’t care.” – Judy Johnson.

• “I, like you, don’t think it’s acceptable to be told what kind of soap to use by our lawmakers. I, like you, enjoy eating off dishes that aren’t crusted with last week’s pancake syrup after 3 trips in the dishwasher.” – Janessa Todd.

• “Why would I like a box of phosphorous-enriched Cascade? Because I’m tired of deep-fried veal stains and blue whale blubber residue on my dishes.” – Matt Monroe.

Yep. There were plenty of worthy submissions.

Gary Olson went a step further. He actually offered to stand watch over my Cascade stockpile in light of the Spokane Police Department’s recent disbanding of its property crimes unit.

“Your celebrity status and now the public knowledge that you possess such a valuable commodity will undoubtedly make you a target of a future property crime,” he reasoned.

Nice try, Gary.

In the end, however, I was won over by the hilarious illogic of Becky Davis, a 5th- and 6th-grade teacher at Spokane’s Franklin Elementary School. (My alma mater, coincidentally.) In a highly imaginative and overly descriptive voicemail message, Davis blamed her inadequate dish soap for not stopping a nightmarish gastrointestinal bug that invaded her family the way Sherman took over the South.

What hit the Davis household is known by many names. Some call it the plain old stomach flu. Others may know it as the Hillyard Heave Ho.

The bottom line was that Davis’ daughter, hubby and son (in that order) wound up driving the porcelain bus.

“Our home was a barf-a-rama,” she said. “This is the kind of sick that starts out as sick and ends you know where.”

Yikes.

Davis took appropriate countermeasures. She said she hosed her house down with Lysol, washed all the bedding and cleansed every surface with antibacterial wipes.

“I can only suspect that it was the dishwasher detergent that allowed this to spread through our home,” she said.

“The lack of effectiveness of the bio-whatever-the-crap I’m using.”

It was as if the Davis family had been cursed.

“Right in the middle of this fiasco our dog got sprayed by a skunk,” she added. “I can’t really blame the dishwasher for that. But there might be a correlation, I’m not sure.”

Congratulations, Becky. And may the “Phos” be with you.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.

32 comments on this story so far. Add yours!

PlanB on October 25 at 7:15 a.m.
How about a fourth group who:
- Have some knowledge of the science and environmental impact of phosphates. It’s a real problem, and it’s happening in our own local waterways.
- Initially resisted because they had heard the horror stories about dirty dishes and having to wash twice, mostly from dopes like Doug Clark.
- Finally tried the phosphate free dish soap, and found that it works just fine. No difference.
Oh, and all you’s that go to Coeur d’Alene Costo for your dish soap? Guess what… it’s all phosphate free. You all got fooled by the dark green packaging.
MrBloggy on October 25 at 7:24 a.m.
why do I somehow find the unbidden image of Doug Hack standing in his backyard, likely trying out his latest dirge-like march of unfunny wisecracks on a large gray squirrel sitting on a powerline, suddenly being bombed by a crop duster’s load of illegal DDT accidentally pre-dumped on its way to prep a mountain side up in the Okanagan for a nice crop of marijuana so funny and ironic.
Hey, we all know using OFF to fend off skeeters in the summer isn’t nearly as effective as killing them with some unfairly banished DDT. Damn hippies. Now Mr. Hack can have skeeter-free barbecues this summer, at least until the thick insectile scales start growing on his skin and he can no longer stand the sunlight so sensitive is his new carapace and compound eyes.
bartm on October 25 at 7:25 a.m.
Info for the Idaho soap “smugglers” - http://cforjustice.org/2011/02/16/mythbuster/
I agree with the above comment - I’ll add my +1 there.
I liked how a reader tabbed Dougie as the consumer advocate of the year. I call him the environmental advocate of the year. Because without his unveiling of the name of the company illegally selling the soap in the State of Washington, we wouldn’t know who to submit our Better Business Bureau claim to. So thanks Doug, and good look finding a new place to buy soap. I’m going to personally work to cut off every supply chain to the state fo Washington.
dataxman on October 25 at 7:47 a.m.
good luck with that bartm - I am sure UPS will give your concerns the time they deserve.
restockit.com has some reasonable prices - and free shipping. Thanks for the info Doug!
IHike4Fun on October 25 at 8:20 a.m.
I’m not real concerned about the phosphate/no-phosphate dish soap debate. We use what we can get at Costco (which currently is phosphate free). We put in a water softener and probably because of that have no problems with phosphate free soap getting our dishes clean. If I lived in Idaho I’d buy whatever Costco was selling there (which contains phosphates). Like I said I’m not real concerned about it.
I’ll let folks like bartm get their buckskins in a bunch over it.
soccermomsusie on October 25 at 9:14 a.m.
I wish you would all quit picking on Doug! His humor is unique! I was forwarded this video about one of his joke writing sessions. It’s foreign but OK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noj2LkeEubs
HEAR OUR VOICE!!!
ChefGus/ John Olsen on October 25 at 9:22 a.m.
It IS all part of the United Nation’s Plan to take over the citizenry of Spokane County…. who washes their dishes anyway… ?? i just rinse mine real well with H2O and then run them through the hot cycle on the dish washer to sanitize them….simple and real real cheap….john
ChefGus/ John Olsen on October 25 at 9:22 a.m.
and yes I am a real chef…. it’s ok to do this…really…:))
meadman on October 25 at 9:38 a.m.
Mr. Clark I think you should add your name to the list of Republican candidates for President –- based on your obvious ignorance, coupled with your desire to show the world that you are proud of your lack of understanding, and seasoned with hints of conspiracy theories, you would fit right in with that fine group of GOP wingnuts……
richie on October 25 at 9:40 a.m.
Put me in “Group 4” with PlanB. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Bruce (aka thatoneguy) on October 25 at 9:45 a.m.
People who learn things, and then act like things that can be learned matter, are elitist know-it-alls and should have garbage thrown at them.
….apparently.
MrNatural on October 25 at 9:45 a.m.
Help me understand why you provide column space to Doug Clark? For thirty plus years I have subscribed to your newspaper and up till now managed to put up with most of his boorish behavior. From incandescent light bulb hoarding to gas guzzling bravado, to rationalizations of unhealthy sloth to thuggish character assassinations, what purpose does this serve Spokesman Review? Apparently his brand of sophmoronic humor must have enough appeal to sell newspapers while degrading your journalistic professionalism.
After his October 13th and today’s articles on phosphate detergent I am finally incensed enough to say enough. When so many Spokane citizens are making such earnest efforts to preserve and protect the Spokane River and working to impress upon next generations the value of preserving a heritage of clean water; and when your own subsidiary Inland Empire Paper works toward compliance to its own phosphorus discharge problems you hypocritically allow this moron space to flaunt his scofflaw civil disobedience. It is beyond my level of comprehension while so many good citizens are working so hard to preserve the Spokane River that you allow Mr. Clark a bully pulpit to encourage his detrimental penchants by publishing a link to order phosphate detergent.
valleyman on October 25 at 9:57 a.m.
Hahahaha… Way to go Doug! You managed to whack the liberal nut job hornet best with this piece.
You Libs have no trouble telling me that dope smoking or any other activity done by consenting adults is between consenting adults and what is done in the privacy of your home should stay there. But you hypocritically tell me what I can and can’t use in my light sockets and my dishwasher.
I’m with Doug on this one. Stay out of my life and my dishwasher.
mtharves on October 25 at 10:17 a.m.
Fine Vman,
Keep your crap out of our river then. Wow, Mr. Natural got mad! Way to go S-R, not even hawkin or dazze has done that.
riverlaw on October 25 at 10:36 a.m.
Thanks again for the tip Doug! With your help, we will get all the folks who want to violate the law to stop!
Thank you for using the Better Business Bureau’s Online Complaint System.
Your complaint has been assigned case # 90123204.
Filed on : October 25 2011
Filed against :
ReStockIt.com
4350 Oakes Rd Ste 512
Davie FL 33314
Complaint Description:
ReStockIt.com was reported by the Spokane, Washington newspaper, the Spokesman Review, as selling dishwasher detergent containing phosphorus to a reporter with that paper in violation of Washington law prohibiting the sale of dishwasher detergent containing phosphorus in the state.
Jamber on October 25 at 10:46 a.m.
Dear Spokesman Review. I believe this column disregards the “full forum standards and community guidelines” you have set for your website. I am surprized that it does not violate your newspaper’s standards. It seriously violates mine.
reservedparking on October 25 at 11:02 a.m.
The BBB has no force of law.
And you can’t cut off ‘every supply chain’ - too many cars on the road.
Bruce (aka thatoneguy) on October 25 at 11:02 a.m.
^^^ Like
Raising_Hell on October 25 at 11:08 a.m.
Leave it to that champion of the consumers, Doug Clark to equate freedom with putting what profits large corporations most in his Kenmore. The devolution of the average American from “citizen” to “consumer” is certainly one way to characterize the sad state our nation is in.
And better get the NIH involved with that case of the Hillyard Heave Hos. Odds are they ate at the local outlet of a national fast food joint, not that their dishwasher made them sick.
I grew up without a dishwasher in the family (unless you count me and my sister), and I still don’t have one. My dishes are clean and there are no food borne epidemics. Then or now. But phosphates in our water and environment is a problem for me and everyone else. Denial may make the average consumer feel “free,” but his “resistance” still doesn’t qualify him as a citizen and he fully deserves his serfdom.
Plan B hits the nail on the head. The reason shills like Doug Clark exist and that the Spokesman Review and the rest of the media are now merely corporate shills themselves is because so many of you lap it up and even pay for the privilege.
Al_Loysius on October 25 at 11:48 a.m.
So, if you don’t want to buy a case lot from restokit.com, is there a nearby state where you can buy dishwasher soap with phospahtes?
For those of us who happen to be taking road trips anyway. Montana? Wyoming?
Navydad on October 25 at 12:03 p.m.
Just Google “where can i buy cascade with phosphate”.
jddavis on October 25 at 12:21 p.m.
WOW! The BBB!? By golly that should be enough to keep Doug from getting the soap!
You gotta bring out the big guns to stop this travesty…wheeew!
valleyman on October 25 at 1:43 p.m.
Is it anymore your river than it is mine? Seems healthy enough to me… The legacy of clean rivers is the responsibility of each of us, not of the government telling me what I can put on my lawn and in my dishwasher.
I am an avid fisherman and outdoorsman, so I know and appreciate the benefits of a clean river. But this is just one more attempt like Envision Spokane to subjugate man to nature. Sorry I’m not buying…
Itsgodswill on October 25 at 2:15 p.m.
The BBB will look at that complaint and then send you back an email explaining that they aren’t in charge of criminal activities and that anything criminal be directed to local police.
I’m with those who can’t believe that SR even allows this man space to write his nonsense. So many legitimately skilled people out there who can’t find any work, yet this ignorant jackass can..Every article that he’s written (and that i’ve bothered reading) has been absolute garbage.
Raising_Hell on October 25 at 2:36 p.m.
@valleyman
Your opinion that the river is healthy enough is meaningless. Hope you are eating plenty of fish that you catch in it.
You describe yourself as an avid fisherman and outdoorsman. I’ve watched many who describes themselves thusly destroy the resources they like to plunder, and then piss and moan that they are gone. No one can put the environment above you, it simply is. Nothing you do or say can change the fact that you (and all of us) are just subservient part of it. Far greater, sustainable economic rewards come to those who respect and work with nature as opposed to those who rape and pillage it.
The phosphates you love so much cause great environmental damage when they are being mined as well. Currently the taxpayers are stuck with the tab for the cleanup, because the owners of the corporations (and the countyr) just want to reap the profits, not pay the cost. Here’s one local exapmple, with a real cleanup not even on the table because it it too costly: http://www.idahostatejournal.com/news/local/article_37df99e0-edda-11e0-9363-001cc4c03286.html
Raising_Hell on October 25 at 2:36 p.m.
@valleyman
Your opinion that the river is healthy enough is meaningless. Hope you are eating plenty of fish that you catch in it.
You describe yourself as an avid fisherman and outdoorsman. I’ve watched many who describes themselves thusly destroy the resources they like to plunder, and then piss and moan that they are gone. No one can put the environment above you, it simply is. Nothing you do or say can change the fact that you (and all of us) are just subservient part of it. Far greater, sustainable economic rewards come to those who respect and work with nature as opposed to those who rape and pillage it.
The phosphates you love so much cause great environmental damage when they are being mined as well. Currently the taxpayers are stuck with the tab for the cleanup, because the owners of the corporations (and the countyr) just want to reap the profits, not pay the cost. Here’s one local exapmple, with a real cleanup not even on the table because it it too costly: http://www.idahostatejournal.com/news/local/article_37df99e0-edda-11e0-9363-001cc4c03286.html
Teseract on October 25 at 4:04 p.m.
For those of you who actually want to find a solution to the lack of cleaning power rather than trading flames between the “Eco-Nazis” and the “Baby-Seal-Clubbers”, here’s some ideas:
Eco-green option: Add a cup or so of vinegar to the dishwasher during the wash cycle. Clean the dishwasher once a month with vinegar by setting it to the hottest water setting, waiting for the rinse cycle to end then adding a couple cups of vinegar during the wash cycle. This will get rid of the white residue buildup in the washer itself.
Works-Better-Bad-For-The-River option: Buy some TSP (tri-sodium phosphate) and lightly dust the bottom of the detergent dispenser before adding your phosphate free tablet, or you can find ratios to mix TSP with powdered dish soap. Be careful, it can be corrosive and you don’t want to use it on delicate items or real silverware. Keep out of reach of children and avoid handling it with bare hands.
Screw-The-State-Government option: Buy COMMERCIAL dish soap. In a nice example of how the common man gets screwed and the corporations get a pass, commercial grade dish soap is NOT required to be phosphate free and is NOT illegal to sell in WA.
Expensive-As-Heck-Option: Buy and install a water softener. Hard water is a big contributor to the white “glaze”. The “Eco-nazis” might like this option until they realize that water softeners dump gobs of salt into the sewer system.
valleyman on October 25 at 6:14 p.m.
@Raising_Hell: To say my opinion is any more irrelevant than yours proves it’s not or you wouldn’t have taken to having such a strong reaction to it.
You don’t know me from Adam and yet you presume to assume you know “my type?” I’m an Eagle Scout, practice no impact hiking and camping, and generally catch and release fish from my fly rod. My “type” doesn’t screw up this country any more than your “type” does.
Take your Eco-liberal-treehugging droppings and pontificate to someone who cares. I’m tired of being told the planet is crumbling and watching the government get bigger to save me from myself. It’s people like you who presume to tell me how to live my life when I’m content leaving you alone and being left alone, so please take your “save mother river and screw people” attitude elsewhere.
cryssT on October 25 at 7:53 p.m.
There’s an old-fashioned solution to dishwasher soap with phosphates. It’s called elbow grease. Sink full of hot water, soap and dirty dishes. Just your hands and a scrubby. Rinse with boiling water. No residual scum, except Doug. The other option - switch to paper plates and plastic utensils.
valleyman on October 25 at 10:38 p.m.
Paper and plastic is much more eco-friendly than my phosphate detergent. You people really are off the hinge on this one!
greenlibertarian on October 25 at 11:49 p.m.
soccermomsusie on October 25 at 9:14 a.m.
I wish you would all quit picking on Doug! His humor is unique! I was forwarded this video about one of his joke writing sessions. It’s foreign but OK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noj2LkeEubs
HEAR OUR VOICE!!!
“We will always have fluoridation.”
Brilliant man, brilliant.
mmspowaus on October 26 at 4:33 a.m.
Truly it’s an amateurish, copyright infringing hack video soccermomsusie and Greenlib….
Some of the popup text goes by too fast to read but the vid is marginally funny…It completely ignored the true pompous buffoons of Spokane City Council, Richard Rush, Jon Synder, and Amber Waldref….
As for the rest of you folks posting comments on this thread….
CHILL for the love of pete….
Clark is not a political, business or science reporter; he is a HUMORIST
His words do not dictate or even influence public policy and opinion…it is purely entertainment…
All the bellicose bilge being blathered by bloviating blooters is unbelievable…
Exhale, take a laxative, get perspective, then get some remote facsimile of a life…