Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: Challenge her view of unmarried folks

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: I have a daughter in her mid-30s. When she was in her 20s, she always said she would be married by 30. Recently she said she thinks she’ll be an “old maid” (her choice of words), principally because there are no suitable men available in her age group.

What can I say when the conversation comes up again – something that would be supportive, nonjudgmental, not insult her intelligence with the usual platitudes, but something that does not reinforce her point of view? I don’t agree with her – and no, I do not have a crystal ball. – Atlanta

I don’t agree with her, either, but my predictive powers have nothing to do with it, since she may well never marry. Where I disagree with her is on her view of unmarried women.

And single men, for that matter.

And married ones, too, of both sexes.

And her ageist approach to dating.

Did I leave anything out?

I can unclutter my objections by packaging them into one overarching beef: I have a real problem with the whole concept of “should.”

Your daughter’s dangerous romance with Should was in full bloom in her 20s, when she saw a husband as something she should have by 30.

Then, the romance started to sour when she, still unmarried, held on to an idea of the type of person a husband should be. Your letter refers to age, but rigid ideas are like cockroaches; how often is there only one?

Then, the romance with Should turned abusive when she started to see herself – and therefore, by logic, others in her cohort, male and female – as outcasts, failures of a Should society. Her self-loathing also grants undeserved status to the married, who are no more inoculated against lonely wretchedness than singles are doomed to it.

The way you phrase this to your daughter is a matter of your emotional style and hers. However you choose to say it, though, please challenge her Should-centric worldview. The idea of playing the hand we’re dealt is such a cliché that it’s easily dismissed – yet I can be a total stranger to your daughter and still say with confidence that she’s suffering not from a paucity of men, but from her own flat refusal to look at her cards as a challenging puzzle, if not an outright gift.

She may not – hehhh, likely won’t – listen to you, certainly not the first time, and you can’t push her to see herself in a new way. But you can make sure, each time, gently – “I’m proud of the choices you’ve made” – that her dehumanizing view of un-paired-off people won’t stand.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www. washingtonpost.com.