Struggling with sister’s suicide

Dear Annie: Recently, my 49-year-old sister committed suicide. She lived with my partner and me for the last 18 months. I find it harder each day to understand why this happened. I am upset, angry, troubled and confused.

My sister was bipolar and on medication. She had attempted suicide before, but tried to fight the self-destructive thoughts, admitting herself to the hospital when necessary. We assured her that she could live with us forever and that we loved having her with us. She was so good with our dogs, and they seemed to be a comfort to her.

We never had a clue what she was planning, and she had it all planned out two weeks ahead. She bought a gun, cleaned her room, did her wash and left a letter explaining that this was the only way to ease her pain. She waited until after midnight and went to a nearby nature preserve. She was found within two hours.

My sister often said that she hated her life and had no friends and thought when she died there would be few people at her funeral. But the funeral home was so crowded that there wasn’t even standing room. Do people who commit suicide know how much pain they leave behind and how much we struggle to accept it? I will always wonder what I could have done differently. Please help. – Miss My Sister

Dear Sister: We can tell how anguished you are, and our hearts are breaking for you. Your sister was mentally ill and obviously in great pain. She could see no end to it and believed suicide was her only way out. You sound like a loving sister, and you created a warm and supportive home. Now you could use some support, too. Please try Survivors of Suicide at survivorsofsuicide.com.