September 4, 2011 in City

Doug Clark: Ugly lights gave me a bright idea

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It took a lot of thought, but I finally decided what to do with the free eight-pack of ugly curlicue made-in-China fluorescent lights that Avista Utilities sent me without asking the other day.

Avista is reportedly mailing 350,000 of these light kits to area residents although I don’t know why I was on the gift list.

My contrarian attitude toward these worm lights is a matter of record, after all.

Call me a curmudgeon, but I’m an old-fashioned incandescent bulb man and I’ve got a basement stash to prove it.

If Avista officials wanted to give me a present, I would have gladly given them my wristwatch preferences.

(Hint: I’m partial to the Omega Seamaster.)

Even better, Avista could have deducted $7.5 million they blew on this boondoggle from all of our monthly power bills.

That would be thoughtful.

But getting back to my plan, the answer came to me while watching an episode of “Top Shot.”

That’s a cool reality TV show on the History Channel where a bunch of genius sharpshooters compete to see who is the, well, top shot.

They do this by using a variety of weaponry to blast everyday objects like glass disks, water-filled jars, match heads, light bulbs, fruit …

Hold the phone.

Light bulbs?

That got me thinking about my trusty ol’ Red Ryder BB gun that is buried away in one of my closets.

I used to be a pretty good shot and I’m betting these Avista lights would make pretty good targets.

Whoa. Calm down. I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Clark, you can’t do this. You’ll shoot YOUR EYE OUT!!!”

Well, don’t you worry.

Every safety precaution will be taken for this example of performance art.

That’s right. Don’t think of what I’m proposing as a sophomoric act of destruction.

This is a sophomoric statement. You know, like when members of the old rock band The Who ended their shows by smashing all their amps and guitars to smithereens.

Maybe there are a couple of twisted readers out there who share my love of BB guns and CFL contempt and would like to join the fun.

(Contact me via the information below and tell me why. Leave a phone number.)

What?

You didn’t think I was going to stick these hideous things in my home, did you?

I have an old house. As I said before, screwing these twisty CFLs into my antique fixtures is as aesthetically absurd as planting rabbit ears on my Sony flat screen.

Plus I don’t like the light quality these CFLs put out.

But the main reason I hate these things is that they are being systematically shoved down our collective throats.

According to law, 100-watt incandescent bulbs will be phased out beginning Jan. 1. The following year will target 75-watters. The 60-watt and 40-watt will head down the road to obsolescence.

I realize CFLs save energy. Use them and you’ll save money in the long run.

But I’m willing to pay the freight.

What light bulb you use should be about choice, but the eco-nannies don’t want you to have one.

I didn’t know what my editor was going say when I told her about my latest crazy reindeer game. I should have guessed.

“Don’t shoot your eye out,” she warned.

Otto button giveaway

I’ll be playing some music with my bandmates at 8 p.m. Monday on the River Stage at Pig Out in the Park.

During this time we’ll be giving away buttons in memory of Otto Zehm, the innocent and mentally ill janitor who died following his violent 2006 encounter in a convenience store with Spokane police. Come and get some buttons and keep his name alive.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

12 comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  soccermomsusie on September 04 at 6:04 a.m.

  Doug, I appreciate that you follow my lead! Not their LEED!!

  HEAR OUR VOICE!!!

• 

  D Statler on September 04 at 8:35 a.m.

  YUP, This is a great excuse to raise our rates again. LOL I could have used the free ones two years ago when I purchased the ones i am CURRENTLY using.
  I have a whole bag of used old school bulbs if you would like them Doug. I was going to put them in a box and send them to AVISTA. We could hang them in front of the AVISTA CEO’s window before you pull out the red rider BB gun. ;^)

• 

  liberal_in_right_wing_land on September 04 at 9:55 a.m.

  Have to love the idiots that love the old fashioned light bulbs. I guess Doug and other idiots love throwing money down the toilet.

  If you want to throw your money away Doug by using light bulbs that keep your electric bill as high as possible, please, let me at least give you my address and I will gladly take a weekly check from you since you seem to like giving away your money.

  Personally, I wil take whatever I can from Avista, even free lights, and I will do whatever I can personally to make sure they get as little money from me as possible on my electric bill….and that means using these light bulbs you keep railing against but are probably the easiest and best way ANYONE could save just a little money while the same time screwing Avista to make sure they don’t get any more of my money if I can help it.

• 

  pamelar16 on September 04 at 10:27 a.m.

  Did anyone read the literature that came with these bulbs? It seems that Avista needs to send HAZMAT suits to everyone now, just to clean up a broken bulb.

• 

  SMARTGUY on September 04 at 11:27 a.m.

  Wasting money, sending out lightbulbs to someone who does not want them seems kind of stupid. Of course, destroying lightbulbs, while creating a hazardous mess, because you could not think of anything else to write about, seems equally stupid.

• 

  D Statler on September 04 at 11:30 a.m.

  @ liberal, AVISTA will get back tenfold the cost of these bulbs from us. This is really no more than a feelgood stunt just before Washington State Utilities Commissioners grants AVISTA another base increase. These increases in the base rates,GUARANTEED (defined,sorry Dan, LOL) rate of returns will haunt us forever. I personally would like to shove the so called free light bulbs right back where the sun doesn’t shine at AVISTA. I would go buy the bulbs if I needed/wanted them. When all of us cut our energy consumption. These crooks will be granted another increase to offset the lower consumption. We can never win as long as AVISTA is paying for (OFF) the UTC commissioners.

• 

  Upthewazzu on September 04 at 11:42 a.m.

  I’m curious to know if this brilliant op-ed writer actually shot the bulbs with his BB gun. Those things contain mercury and are hazardous if broken. An easier solution would have been to give them to a neighbor that isn’t a total knucklehead.

• 

  DickAdams on September 04 at 12:55 p.m.

  I suppose their are numb skulls out there that believe AVISTA is benevolent.

• 

  Squid on September 04 at 1:15 p.m.

  Why did they get sent Priority Mail? That wasn’t cheap to ship them. Parcel Post would be half the cost. Then again, they could have hired some of those who really need the work to deliver them for a fraction of the cost. How much did we pay to pack, label, tape?

  How much did I pay for my box of 11 and 20 watt bulbs? Are candles greenie approved? They give off more light.

• 

  Ken Paulman on September 04 at 5:33 p.m.

  No one’s forcing you to buy CFLs, Doug. You’ll still be able to buy halogen bulbs under the new (well, actually they were passed in 2007) efficiency standards that are indistinguishable from old-style incandescents in every way except for the fact that they last much longer and use less energy.

  You don’t like CFLs. We get it. Then don’t buy them.

  You can send me the free one. I’ll pay the freight.

• 

  monkeyman on September 04 at 6:44 p.m.

  Doug Clark: “Even better, Avista could have deducted $7.5 million they blew on this boondoggle from all of our monthly power bills.”

  Actually, they did. Yes, you paid for them.

  http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2011/jul/30/avista-mailing-out-energy-saving-bulbs/

  “The money for that project comes from a monthly energy-efficiency surcharge Avista collects from its customers. Washington customers pay $3.79 per month for an average of 1,000 kilowatt-hours of electricity.”

• 

  D Statler on September 05 at 7:46 a.m.

  AVISTA is giving away a free car on our nickle also. I am wondering what accout AVISTA is paying for the PRIUS V with? Just another feel good gimmic before raising our rates again. It doesn’t surprise me that AVISTA buys a TOYOTA PRIUS instead of a CHEVY VOLT. They have no conscience or American pride.
  DAN @ AVISTA, if your reading this,where do I return my lightbulbs.I would like a credit towards my energy bill please.