Dear Carolyn: I met a girl, we hit it off immediately the night we met. Things went great for a month. She would say things like, “I really like you.” We both willingly supplied information about our exes.
New girl and I spent a lot of time together. All of a sudden she wants to break up. “You’re a great guy, but I still have feelings for my ex.”
I was crushed but was getting over it. Lately though, for months, she’s all I think about. I’ve contacted her just to say hi. She has told me she has a boyfriend.
I can’t help feeling, though, that it was because I still had connections to my ex, and that maybe she was waiting for me to get my act together.
How can I find out if there is still a chance between us without playing the “stalker” role? Or should I just let it go? – M.
You already found out there isn’t a chance, because she knows you’re interested enough to keep calling and yet she’s dating someone else.
I know you want there to be a mystery here; mysteries allow for possibilities.
Chances are, she chose not to explain herself because the reason was silly, embarrassing or otherwise beside the point. If she were waiting for you to “get my act together,” she’d be keeping in touch.
Unfortunately, her using a line that was easily disproved – if she’s so loopy for her ex, then why the new boyfriend? – played right into your natural predisposition toward mystery. You now have all kinds of room to wonder what the real flame-douser was.
Don’t. Please. (I know, I know … ) It’s over. If you were one fixable flaw away from a relationship, then you’d have gotten chances to fix it.
Something else to consider. The idea that your affection is growing in her absence strains credulity, since you barely knew her. However, the idea that your need to romanticize her is growing? Highly credible.