Affair ruined his life, but not ex-mistress’s

Dear Carolyn: I had an affair with a co-worker that led to the demise of my marriage. Biggest mistake of my life.

I feel as though I am getting the short end of the stick because her husband has no idea of the affair. Part of me says it’s something he should know. Also, we both knew what we were doing was wrong, and so we both should suffer the consequences of what we’ve done.

That’s my thinking, but so far I’ve taken the high road and been trying to focus on myself and why I did what I did. In the meantime, she’s going about her life as if nothing has happened. – Veritable quandary

“Both should suffer”? So, life should be fair?

You actually don’t know that her husband doesn’t know, do you – nor do you know your ex-paramour has escaped without consequences, right? You aren’t privy to either. He could know – or, her guilt could inflict time-release damage worse than any you suffered.

She could also, of course, be conscience-challenged and deep into another affair by now, but what kind of life is that, besides bankrupt?

Even if a genie granted you omniscience and you could prove you suffered greater consequences than she, your consequences would still be your business, and hers would be hers.

Here’s what you do know: You tried to heal something in you by having an affair, and now you want to heal something in you by punishing your mistress. Isn’t it time to recognize that looking elsewhere for healing won’t work?

What ails you is on the inside, and so that’s where your healing must start. Besides – your last field trip off the high road didn’t go so well. Another reason not to indulge.