September 26, 2011 in Features

The Slice: Pick your poison: Potholes or creatures

By The Spokesman-Review

If you know people who can’t say anything nice about Spokane, maybe The Slice can help you deal with them.

Sure, there are those who like to complain. But there’s a sure-fire way to get these folks to look on the bright side instead.

It’s simple. Just compare life here to the titles of really bad movies. Spokane comes out ahead time after time.

I’ll show you what I mean.

Let’s say someone is grousing about potholes. You could nod and then note that, dry as it is here, at least we don’t have to endure many “Swamp Women” infestations.

You could follow that up by praising Spokane for its lack of a black lagoon and, as a result, the absence of any need to fret about a “Creature” emerging from same.

Or what if you found yourself listening to a tirade about soccer moms in SUVs? That’s easy. You could politely note that they aren’t quite “She-Devils on Wheels.”

But you really don’t need to match the movie title to the nature of the gripe. Random, non-sequitur comparisons would work.

“Well, I’ve never lived in Seattle, but I’m just glad we don’t get invaded by ‘Mole People’ or ‘Glory Stompers’ very often.”

Or, “Yeah, I guess the water rates have gone up. But I’m thankful every day that I don’t have to contend with an ‘Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.’ ”

Or, “Maybe bicyclists and those who despise them will never see eye to eye but one thing you have to say about Spokane is that we have never had to cope with ‘Godzilla vs. Mothra’ or ‘Gamera vs. Barugon’ downtown.”

Here’s a rough breakdown of reactions to Friday’s column: 1. Readers think there ought to be a bounty on dog walkers, whether they pick up or not. 2. Readers think I’m an ass for making an issue of it. 3. Readers who lean toward category 2 but allow that the young lady going back to my patio to dump the bag of doo might have almost crossed a line.

Today’s Slice question: What discontinued product do you miss?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email You don’t earn a merit badge for checking out The Slice Blog at Today’s Spokabulary: “Spokomplexion,” which refers to dry skin.

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