The Slice: Just be glad you’re not seeing stars
Time again for another Slice Horoscope.
This is the only zodiac column written by someone who might have grabbed the last smooth and creamy-style Brown Cow peach yogurts just minutes before you got to that grocery aisle.
As always, I guarantee this astrological forecast to be as accurate as any other.
Aries: Be cautious in your dealings with others today. If you say anything, it might be misunderstood. If you do anything, it could be misinterpreted. You might want to go back to bed.
Taurus: Be aware that, should you watch the KSPS Saturday night movie in mixed company, your frank and unabashed assessment of Marilyn Monroe will appall others.
Gemini: Think twice before buying or selling. And, yes, those pants do make you look, well, you know.
Cancer: Today is a one-star day. Your bullheaded insistence on trying to convince your churchgoing in-laws that Easter isn’t really a big deal will backfire in ways you will come to realize only in the years to come.
Leo: Your loudly espoused Elton Johnian philosophy that “Saturday night’s all right for fighting” invites looks of utter incredulity from those who know full well that you would fold up like a collapsible tent if someone accepted your imbecelic challenge.
Virgo: Today is your day. Proceed with confidence as those around you embrace your vision for a bold new Spokane and salute your selfless willingness to lead the way with singular courage and creativity.
Libra: That job you wanted will be going to a Virgo.
Scorpio: Rethink your assumption that people enjoy your five-beers personality.
Sagittarius: It might be time to abandon your campaign to turn “Going to the lake” into a euphemism for a certain adult activity.
Capricorn: This might be a good day to stop slapping people and saying “Snap out of it!” You’re not Cher and real life isn’t like the movie “Moonstruck.”
Aquarius: Because you have been good, you are allowed to have one chocolate bunny on Easter Eve.
Pisces: Are you ready to be the new face of KXLY news?
If today is your birthday: Your pets say nice things about you behind your back.
Today’s Slice question: Who is your favorite grocery cashier?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email firstname.lastname@example.org. If a child can no longer get into his or her own bed, there might be too many stuffed animals.