Hot over ‘firestorm’

Health care reform set off a “firestorm.”

Political consultant Hilary Rosen ignited a “firestorm.”

Rick Santorum touched off several “firestorms.”

Baseball manager Ozzie Guillen torched off a “firestorm” (with an assist from Fidel Castro).

Tim Tebow, Ted Nugent, Rush Limbaugh and Bill Maher? They’ve all been busy, setting off “firestorms.”

Those are a few of the dozens of media uses of the word “firestorm” I’ve been collecting over the past few months. Every one of them is a travesty.

I get a little worked up by this, but if anyone in America should be appalled at the media’s lazy use of the word “firestorm,” it’s those of us from Spokane. In 1991, we suffered through an actual firestorm. Two people died and 114 homes were destroyed. In 1911, our region had an even more terrifying firestorm, with at least 85 dead. (Yes, it was even more cataclysmic than that other natural disaster: a Tim Tebow trade.)

A firestorm is not just another wildfire. A firestorm is, by primary definition, a fire so large and so hot that it creates its own raging cyclones. A column of superheated air rushes skyward from the center of the fire and hurricane force winds rush in at ground level to feed oxygen to the flames. As hundreds of Inland Northwest residents can testify, it’s one of the most terrifying natural events on earth. People have described the noise as the sound of a thousand thundering locomotives or a barrage of heavy cannonading. The noise is the least of the terrors.

So I think it’s fair to say that a firestorm is not what results when Charlie Sheen tweets some random crazy-talk.

Of course, I understand that writers and broadcasters are using the term “firestorm” metaphorically. They are not accusing Ted Nugent of shouldering a flamethrower and actually attacking the forest with napalm (not to give Ted any ideas).

They are simply trying to convey the idea of a big, red-hot, scorching controversy, even if 99 percent of the controversy is fed by their own oxygen. I have no objection to using metaphors to spice up political language or journalism. But I do object to using a metaphor as grossly overcooked as “firestorm” to describe what happens when, for example, an NPR correspondent says something dumb.

To illustrate the problem, take a look at synonyms for “firestorm,” the closest being, probably, “conflagration” or “inferno.” Would anyone say with a straight face Ozzie Guillen ignited a conflagration? Or an inferno? Or even a barbecue kettle?

One other synonym illustrates the problem exceptionally well. That synonym is “holocaust,” lower case h, which means destruction by fire or complete destruction of people and animals by fire. Substitute the word “holocaust” for “firestorm” and you’ll see how ridiculously overdramatized the metaphor can be:

• Howard Zinn’s obit touches off holocaust.

• Holocaust erupts over Goldman Sachs commentary.

• Comedian Ron White episode ignites holocaust.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: Never use either “firestorm” or “holocaust” to describe anything less than utter terrifying destruction, even if it involves an online “flame war” over whether celebrity chef Jamie Oliver is getting fat.

On the other hand, lowercase holocaust might actually be apt in describing what happened in our 1991 and 1910 firestorms. People and animals died. Great destruction was wrought.

Our 1991 firestorm consisted of 92 different fires, fanned by winds gusting to 62 mph. When some of these fires joined together, they created their own, even fiercer winds. All you could do was try to outrace it. No one who has experienced it can forget the fury.

So, in an attempt to help writers, broadcasters and headline writers sound less silly and hysterical, I would like to offer the following tip: When tempted to use the word firestorm when discussing something Bill Maher or Rush Limbaugh said, try to find a less dramatic “fire” metaphor, such as “Bill Maher’s comments ignited a wienie-roast campfire of criticism.”

Leave “firestorm” for those rare occasions when nothing else will do, such as: “Former ‘Growing Pains’ star Kirk Cameron IGNITED A FIRESTORM.”

Yes, that’s a real one, capital letters their own. Thanks, “Entertainment Tonight.”