Summer of 2012 is vanishing faster than a diploma-mill graduate who wants to be Spokane police chief.
I don’t want to depress anyone, but the TV weather dolts will soon be yelling “White Stuff!” and warning us to not go outside without a coat.
The glimmer of good news, however, is that there is still enough summer left for you to hold off on using the state’s suicide laws.
The first step, as any recovering alcoholic will tell you, is to always tip the bartender.
The second step is to take my annual “Summer – How’s it Hanging?” quiz.
Simply answer the following nine questions by circling the responses that come closest to fitting your current situation.
Then we’ll analyze scores at the end the column to see if you’ve been using your summer to the fullest or if you’re a danger to small animals.
So let’s do it!
1. This summer found me …
A. Reading the Great American Novel. (2 points)
B. Writing the Great American Novel. (5 points)
C. Falling asleep trying to separate the ordinary liars from the professionals on my primary election ballot. (10 points)
2. Nothing beats those summer dog days like …
A. Diving into an area lake. (2 points)
B. Plunging into a city pool. (5 points)
C. Sticking your head under the zucchini sprayer at Safeway. (10 points)
3 . Which slogan best fits your summer state of mind?
A. Near Nature. Near Perfect. (2 points)
B. These Things Happen. (5 points)
C. I Can’t Believe Barbara Lampert’s Not Running!! (10 points)
4. Summer is a wonderful time to travel and …
A. Soak up the culture of other countries. (2 points)
B. Soak up the history of America. (5 points)
C. Soak up the cheap booze in Post Falls. (10 points)
5. The top story of the London Olympics was …
A. Michael Phelps setting the all-time medals record. (2 points)
B. Gabby and the girls grabbing gymnastics gold. (5 points)
C. Bob Costas trying to defy his age via soft-focus and Elvis-black hair. (10 points)
6. The much-anticipated Mobius Science Center opened in downtown Spokane, where kids will explore great mysteries of the universe, like …
A. What is gravity? (2 points)
B. Where does lightning come from? (5 points)
C. Can Bob Apple survive the primary? (10 points)
7. Summer 2012 was going really well until …
A. Damn meter guy gave me a parking ticket. (2 points)
B. Damn prowlers broke into my car. (5 points)
C. Damn cops busted my favorite massage parlors. (10 points)
8. My health insurance took a big hit this summer after I …
A. Fried like bacon taking a sunbathing snooze. (2 points)
B. Lost an arm in a black fly feeding frenzy. (5 points)
C. Developed a gluten allergy making crop circles in Wilbur. (10 points)
9. I had to cut way back on my driving this summer due to …
A. Gas costing so much. (2 points)
B. Getting laid off at work. (5 points)
C. Fear of Matt Shea, the Road Rage Republican. (10 points)
All right. Let’s crunch numbers.
If you scored 18 points, you are a cautious, churchgoing person who wouldn’t know a punch line if it smacked you upside your cranium.
A score of somewhere between 18 and 50 points, however, means your summer could be a lot more exciting. Get out there and live it up a little. Maybe give backyard nudism a try. (Be sure to smile at the neighbors.)
If you scored between 98 and 130 points you should think seriously about running for office because obviously you can’t count and would fit in well with all the other pirates who spend our money.