August 10, 2012 in Features

The Slice: APB for beady-eyed criminal

By The Spokesman-Review

Becky Monday’s vehicle was targeted by a vandal.

A furry vandal.

“A marmot crawled into my car’s engine compartment and destroyed the insulation lining that covers the inside of the hood,” she wrote.

So Monday called her insurance company. She was asked if she had filed a police report.

That made her laugh. “I don’t know for sure, but I think the police have more important things to do,” she said.

Perhaps. But this could be the inspiration for something truly rare – an original TV cop show.

Which of these would you watch?

“The Marmot Squad”: A good-looking, diverse trio of hip, young crime-fighters is assigned to crack down on rodent lawlessness in a midsized Northwest city. Their gruff, heart-of-gold sergeant looks the other way as the stylishly coiffed cops play by their own rules and buck the establishment while jiggling along in pursuit of the kingpin marmot.

“CSI: Spokane”: Quirky crime scene investigators wrestle with love and professional ethics as they hunt for forensic evidence in marmot scat, dead fleas, half-eaten doughnuts and chewed radiator hoses. While a perpetually exasperated lead detective offers his weekly cry – “Dang those danged marmots!” – the hot hardbodies on the CSI team don sunglasses, undo that top button and look for the one clue everyone else overlooked.

“South Hill Street Blues”: The unflinching inside story of the jaded yet sensitive stalwarts who represent the thin blue line between Spokane’s complacent, ungrateful citizenry and the rodent horde threatening mayhem. “Be careful out there.”

“Law & Order: Special Marmots Unit”: Moody contemplation of what happens when society looks away from the ravaged gardens and golf course carnage left in the wake of remorseless rodent rampages. With great-looking hair, a killer soundtrack and their pistols held sideways, the stylishly world-weary officers ruminate about fashion and justice as they go after the rockchuck gangs holding the city hostage to unholy demands.

“Adam-12”: Veteran cop and rookie partner respond to calls about alleged marmot transgressions. “One Adam12, see the woman by the car with its hood up.”

Today’s Slice question: What American city of similar size is Spokane most like?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Several readers remember buying Rolling Stones Kingdome tickets at the Onion in 1981.

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