August 13, 2012 in Features

The Slice: At 60, we’ll be ready for a stiff one

By The Spokesman-Review
 

They should raise the drinking age to 60.

This would be good for society in many ways.

Assuming it could be enforced, this would make roadways safer and relieve young people of any notion that their fake ID cards are even remotely plausible.

Fewer TV commercials would be aimed at impressionable lads who apparently believe that consuming certain brews makes one attractive to fetching women in tight tops. Attending sports events would be a more civil experience. The woo-hoo factor in motorized water recreation would be tamped down.

And there would be an added benefit you might not have considered.

For those of us who were suddenly underage because of the new law, this would afford an opportunity to relive the heady experience of buying beer when you were not legally old enough to do so.

There’s no need to mention any names. But there are those now in their 50s who can remember when being underage and procuring a six-pack of coldies at a convenience store was an absolute thrill. It made one a person of some repute in certain circles.

So who’s to say that sort of rush could not be revisited by someone in his late 50s trying to pass for 60.

Clerk: “Are you sure you’re legal?”

Nervous 57-year-old customer: “Of course. See this gray hair? Toss in a comb and some beef jerky.”

Clerk: “I don’t know. What kind of name is this on your license … McLovin?”

Nervous 57-year-old customer: “It’s what my parents chose. Look, if you don’t mind, I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

Clerk: “Well, what about your friends out in the SUV? That one woman in the Coug Mom shirt looks like she’s barely 55. And that bald guy in the back seat? C’mon, he looks like he’s in his 40s.”

Nervous 57-year-old customer: “My license clearly shows that I am 60. Failure to sell me this beer will expose this store to the very real prospect of a civil action.”

I know what you are thinking. Washington residents under 60 would just go over to Idaho to buy booze.

Maybe. But it’s worth noting that some of us potentially underage schemers don’t see so well as we once did and would rather not drive at night.

Today’s Slice question: What happens when a stranger tries to pick up your cat?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. The Slice Blog will be back a week from today.

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