August 14, 2012 in Features

The Slice: How to deal with potty mouths

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Childless adults in the Spokane area eventually face the ultimate test.

What to say when all around you people are talking about potty training?

See which of the following options makes the most sense to you.

A) Say nothing but smile in a way clearly indicating that you support the parents and especially the children during this challenging transition. B) “You’re doing it wrong.” C) “Potty training happens.” D) “Don’t bribe the kid.”

E) “I’ve seen commercials for something called Little Swimmers. Or maybe it was Fruit Roll-ups.” F) “She’ll get the hang of it. She’s a smart kid and she knows her parents love her. It’ll happen.” G) “Have you tried rage reduction? Oh, wait. That’s from the Elvis movie where he plays a doctor. Never mind.” H) “No, I don’t find this conversation disgusting. Do you think that because I am not a parent I am incapable of relating to any experience that does not involve foreign films, yoga or Thai cuisine?”

I) “It sounds like your son is trying at least.” J) “Have you thought of bribing the kid?” K) “What do you mean by ‘fast-tracking’ potty training?” L) “I can’t believe how quickly she’s growing up.”

M) “He’ll be an old pro at it in no time.” N) “She needs to master this before the prom.” O) “There are people who would love to be enduring just such a burden.” P) “Does she even know what ‘focus’ means?”

Q) “A trophy? Really?” R) “Well, remember, he’s going to be in high school next time you turn around.” S) “This should be left to the private sector.” T) “No, I don’t think it is the least bit silly to be proud.”

U) “Hey, I’m rooting for the kid.” V) “I’m awed by your patience.” W) “I like that dads get in on this now.”

X) “Please don’t look at me like you suddenly suspect I am going to complain about this conversation behind your backs. Don’t you think I recognize the need for great parents like you guys? I am counting on you to produce the medical specialists who will help me when I’m 90.” Y) “It takes a village, man.” Z) “That kid reminds me of someone. Let me know when he aces potty training. I want to send him a stuffed tiger.”

Today’s Slice question: What’s your conspiracy theory?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@ spokesman.com. The competition for “best dressed” isn’t all that heated at some local workplaces.


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