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Annie’s Mailbox: For wife, sex is a ‘massive chore’

Thu., Aug. 23, 2012

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 14 years. The first few, everything was good, and then I stopped enjoying sex. I’ve seen several different doctors and had my hormones checked, and the verdict is that I am in great health for a 39-year-old.

I think the main problem is, while I love my husband, I don’t find him attractive. I’m not sure I ever did. I was 23 when we met and had never had a boyfriend. Men had never been interested in me until he came along. He is smart, funny and experimental in the bedroom, so it isn’t like we haven’t tried new things. He would do anything for me.

But, Annie, having sex with him is a massive chore. I suspect he knows this, and I hate making him feel bad. I can’t fake passion I don’t feel. To tell the truth, I doubt another man would do it for me, either, and I’m not attracted to women. I feel like a part of me is missing, and I don’t know how to find it. What now? – Berlin, Germany

Dear Berlin: It is possible that you are asexual – meaning you are not attracted, sexually, to anyone. If this sounds like what you are experiencing, please look into AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) at

However, if your libido previously was working fine and your lack of interest was sudden, you may want to get a referral to see a doctor who specializes in sexual disorders. A normal balance of hormones for most women may be insufficient for you. And of course, there are other possibilities – psychological issues, weight issues, nutrition deficiencies, medications – all of which can affect desire and libido. You owe it to yourself and your husband to figure this out. Good luck.

Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@

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