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The Slice: He could always take a chance on doggy door

Thu., Dec. 13, 2012, midnight

‘Up on the Rooftop” has been upsetting little kids for years.

So even if it has become less of a seasonal staple, it’s probably fair to guess that there’s a new batch of Spokane area children traumatized by this Christmas song in 2012.

But if you are a parent, grandparent, guardian, babysitter or helpful neighbor, The Slice can help you allay kids’ concerns raised by “Up on the Rooftop.”

Let’s address the issues, one by one.

Q: What if a child lives in multi-family housing and there is no direct access to the apartment, condo or whatever from the roof?

A: Just say, “Don’t worry. Santa finds a way.”

Q: Well, what about coming down the chimney with lots of toys? That just wouldn’t work at a lot of places – homes without fireplaces, for instance.

A: Just say, “Santa has binders full of contingency plans. You need not worry.”

Q: Here’s one that comes up in our area: “If my stepdad hears someone on our roof, he is almost certain to shoot first and ask questions later. How can I keep Santa and the reindeer from getting blown away?”

A: Reassure the child that even the most rabid gun enthusiasts respect Santa. “And if cooler heads fail to prevail, don’t worry. Santa can always return fire. He wouldn’t have lasted this long if he wasn’t packing heat. That’s why one elf always rides shotgun.”

Q: Finally, some children are going to inquire as to why – unlike the lucky kids in the song – they never receive “a hammer and lots of tacks” or “a whip that cracks.”

A: Cheerfully suggest that the youths start saying no to drugs.

Slice answer: Donna Kelly saw the question about teenage girls and hair dryers.

“My husband always said that, with three women in the house, we heated our home with hair dryers.”

The vision thing: “As I observe my cat looking out through dirty windows, does he think he’s developing cataracts?” wrote David Michaelson.

Today’s Slice question: Do you feel that your co-workers owe it to you to have eavesdropping-worthy conversations?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Passing along an insanely complex email address when leaving a phone message is not a winning strategy.

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