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The Slice: ‘U-turn allowed’ might just do the trick

Fri., Dec. 14, 2012

Perhaps it’s dubious deterrence.

But being a bargain-minded burg, Spokane is home to several forms of on-the-cheap home security.

There is the “Beware of Dog” placard posted outside a place where zero canines reside.

There’s the sign touting a home-alarm system where none actually exists.

And so on.

Do drug-addled burglars even pay attention to such warnings? Your guess is as good as mine.

But maybe signs of that kind are so commonplace that they simply blend into the background. Perhaps what’s needed is a bit more imagination.

I’ll go first.

“Danger: Rift in Space/Time Continuum”: This might give the Trekkie burglar a moment of pause.

“Warning: Doomsday Device on Premises”: Something tells me most criminals probably aren’t big “Dr. Strangelove” fans, but what the heck.

“I’d Turn Back If I Were You”: It didn’t work in “The Wizard of Oz,” but there’s always a first time.

“Lots of ‘Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark’ Security Stuff Behind This Door”: Seems pretty far-fetched, but people usually don’t become burglars because they got a high score on their SAT.

“Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”: A bit cryptic, perhaps. But to the would-be burglar familiar with the Beatles catalog, it might signal that the resident would offer resistance.

“Spears, Snakes, Spiders ’n’ Stuff”: To authentically replicate burglar vernacular, you might want to replace “stuff” with a common four-letter word. Even then, it might not be believable.

“Warning: Magma Moat Vortex”: That’s probably too complicated.

“Ashton Kutcher Movies Being Screened”: Hey, if you’re trying to scare someone, you might as well go all the way.

“High Radiation Beyond This Point”: If the burglar smokes, he probably isn’t afraid of a little radon.

“Book Group Meeting in Progress”: Oh, the humanity.

True or false: The farther away from Spokane you get, the more you are apt to encounter Inland Northwesterners who actually need pickup trucks.

Today’s Slice question: What happened when you met Patty Duke?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email It’s a little silly to be angry with someone because you have decided that he or she probably would not attend a memorial service for you.

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